T yesterday. Went back and sat down. I noticed that the shell was still where I'd put it in sand tray, which was somewhat comforting.

He asked how I was. I said kind of anxious for some reason. He asked why that might be. I said I'd woken in a panic from a dream the night before, where I was struggling to control a car going down the road at the beach (where I'd recently been with my parents). T: "I don't know. I think it would take someone with a PhD and 30 years of experience to interpret that one. And I only have 15 years." I kind of laughed because he was obviously being sarcastic, because it's pretty clearly a beach stress dream. Said I'd had some other weird dreams lately, including one the other night where I was a man. Thought he'd want to pursue that one more, but he didn't.

I said I was still feeling panicky and emotional, but didn't know why. He asked what might be going on. I said how it's the 6-year anniversary of H's friend's death, and I'd been reading a post by his friend that morning that made me tear up. Plus, the friend's mother had just died a few days ago, and H had gone to sit shiva with his sister a bit on Sunday. And had talked some about it that night. I'd said he could talk about his friend more, but he didn't that much, and I feel I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have, so I felt bad.

Crying (I went through lots of tissues this session), I shared more details of the friend's life and death, how he'd had a few medical conditions.

I said how H never seemed to want to talk about the death much, including in marriage counseling. T said made a rather awkward analogy that I won't share here, but basically came down to it often needing to be the right time/place for men to talk about feelings. I said how it seemed like his feelings came out as anger directed toward me and D, which I tried to make allowances for because of his loss. T said it was good of me to do that. But I said eventually, it just became too much, which led us to marriage counseling.

T said how emotions are going to come out in some way or another. Ideally, we deal with them internally and/or talk about them with other people. But if we don't, they can come out in other ways. He mentioned complex grief, how it can lead to depression and/or anxiety. I said with H, I thought it was maybe depression leading to anger. T said that sounded more like what would go with anxiety, that maybe he had a mix of both.

From what I said about the friend, H's relationship with him, and my relationship with him, T said he wondered about something. He said that sometimes, we can have mixed feelings about a loss. How he had a client who'd always fight with his brother, then the brother passed away. The client was sad, but also would feel some relief going to family functions, knowing the brother wouldn't be there. And he wondered if in H's case, could have been something similar. And also in my case. I cried more and said maybe, in some way, but I feel awful thinking that. T said it's completely normal to think.

I said I guessed it was that way with my grandmother, too. How the last few years of her life, she was bedridden, and that she was normally vibrant and active. So it was hard for me to see her like that. And caring for her took a big toll on my mom and aunt. So when she passed away, it was like, I was sad, but relieved in a way for my mom. T said it's very common with caregivers, like maybe my mom/aunt felt a mix, too. I said i felt really guilty for not seeing her more near the end, that it was so hard for me to see her like that, how I feared she thought I'd forgotten about her. And also that I didn't mourn her much at time, maybe partly because no funeral. T said it could be my grieving process had been going on for a long time, like since she'd been sick. I said that made sense.

I said how I guess one death makes me think of others. T agreed. I mentioned how when ex-MC's wife passed away, I was really emotional, and I felt weird about it because I was more emotional about her than my grandmother or H's friend. But that maybe it just brought up their deaths in my mind. And plus it made me think of my own mortality, because she wasn't that much older than me, was also a wife and mom. T said any death can make you think of your own mortality.

I said I worried I wasn't keeping myself healthy enough for D. That I felt care for her should be enough to motivate that. But it isn't that simple, right? T agreed. I said how I didn't want to have to leave her because of unhealthy habits. T said how almost every parent does something that's unhealthy.

Somewhere in there, we also talked about D's autism diagnosis. How she was starting to go through testing (more for language delays) around the time of H's friend's death. T said maybe that's part of why H struggled so much with her diagnosis. I said how at one point, he'd said to me, "You want something to be wrong with her." But of course I didn't. T said the worst feeling in the world is to think something might be wrong with your child, especially in their development. The way he was talking, I felt he was speaking as a fellow parent there, rather than as a T. And as a fellow parent with a child on the autism spectrum. Even though we don't talk about his son (and I intentionally don't ask questions about him), it just helps at times to think "he gets it."

There were a couple moments of levity mixed in with the death and tears. I mentioned how maybe the reason I'm thinking of my grandmother so much is that the Hurricane heading toward the East Coast shares her first name. That I wanted to post on Facebook, "Don't worry, we haven't forgotten about you, you don't need to remind us in the form of a giant storm!" T laughed. I said how she's Italian (though born here). T said, "Isn't naming someone Italian Florence like naming someone from Texas 'Houston'?" I said I guessed so. He said they used to live next to Israelis and that he told them their dog had a unique name. Then they told him it was Hebrew for "dog," which amused him. I said, "Here's my cat, gato!" (Spanish word for cat.)

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next Monday and Thursday. As I went over to his desk, I said how I felt exhausted from the session and the crying. But that apparently I needed to get the stuff out. T agreed. I said, "And crying releases stress hormones, right?" T: "You got it!" I paid, while talking about football. He shook my hand, saying, "Enjoy Monday Night Football!" I said thanks, I would, then left, still feeling really emotional and raw, which continued throughout the evening and led to email exchange that didn't really help. Seeing him tomorrow instead of Thursday now, since he had an opening.