I wasnt sure where to post this. I just recently joined and I have so many different things going on right now. I am sober 42 days and have been able to do it withthe help of my doctor and medication assisted therapies. My counselor helped me to look at it as not being weak as that addiction is a disease of the mind just like there are diseases of the body and people have to take medications for them. I was feeling pretty weak for it before and have had some people tell me I was using a crutch so it sorta turned me off. What brought me here tonight is I really feel like i am going to have a mental collapse or break or something. I also have mental health and that plays a huge part in why I drank to begin with. I have always felt different and like something was out of place with me and also have to deal with clinical depression and anxiety. Ive been on disability for a lot of years because of this. I am now losing my benefits because i was unable to come up with all of the things they were asking me to do with the constant case reviews i was going through and things being chabged around on me it seemed like every few weeks. I am freaking out because I am also going to lose medical coverage for an undetermined amount of time and unsure how I will cover my medication. Next week I am supposed to start a full time job in addition to my part time job which means I will go from working about 25 hours a week to well over 50 hours. Ive never worked these kind of hours before and I am just so afraid of this change.
In addition to all of this ive been with a guy for over 6 years and living together almost that whole time. He has carried us for the most part other than the small contributions I could make. He has been on vacation from work since last Tuesday and seems to go out to the bars every other night or every third night. I havent been this stressed out in a long time. Normally he doesnt come anywhere near me after hes been drinking. The other night he came home at 830pm and sat next to me on the couch 😡 I have such a hard time controlling my anger towards him and around him lately.
Maybe one of the worst things is he bought us a car for $4,000 and now I really feel obligated. I have no savings and im not willing to leave my cat behind for him to neglect. There just seems to be no end to this insanity in sight. I just wish I could find better ways to deal with this stuff. I'm really feeling overwhelmed and dont want to get back to the point where i think a drink will fix me right up.
I know all of the cliche stuff stay out of relationships, go to meetings, all of the unspoken rules. I'm not looking for that. I'm sorry if I'm coming off standoffish. Not feeling so great 😔