I often wonder if things would be different with my husband if I had been there when he was diagnosed. I've done research on his Leukemia, and if he continued treatment he would have a good 20 years. I feel like there is a cloud hanging over our heads... Is he sick from withdraw? Sick b/c he doesn't eat or sleep? Or is he really sick? I look for reasons for him to go to the doctor so they will draw his blood and we can see how his white blood count is. I lean on my friend and on my mom a lot. It hurts his feelings. He says he hates the town that we're in and that's why he can't get back on his feet. He wants to leave and I just can't. We have two kids. I have a great job that takes care of all of us. And my support system is here. I've told him that he can leave. I've told him that he could always come back when he was ready. He won't. I never doubt his love for me. I never doubt his loyalty. But he has scared me a few times. If I could just be free to do what I need to do I think it would be easier to separate myself. Raising my two kids with him just outside seems unbearable sometimes. I raised my son on my own for 8 years before he came along. I swore I would never do it again. Now I am with my son and my two year old daughter, with my husband right outside. Sometimes its all I can to just keep on and sometimes I can't hold it in anymore. The tongue is so hurtful and I've let mine say way too much .