T yesterday. He retrieved me and did his usual saying "Hey" quietly as I approached him, I said "hi" back, then we went back and sat down. He had to check something on his phone and apologized--I said was OK, do what he needed. Only took a few seconds, then he focused back on me.

I mentioned his email response and my reaction to it. He said he wasn't sure if he had it on phone, would try to pull it up. I offered to get it on mine, so we were looking at our respective phones. He found it on his, then read it out loud to me (see my above post for that email exchange).

He mentioned the triggering thing, and I said again how it reminded me of what my mom would say. Me: "But really, your whole initial reply bothered me because it felt like you didn't understand why I was feeling raw and vulnerable. I guess I was just looking for validation there or something. Which maybe wasn't fair to you because I wasn't clear about what I wanted..."

T: "Well, I actually didn't understand why you were feeling vulnerable. I didn't know what specifically you felt vulnerable about, if it was about me or something else." Me: "But it seemed like it should have been obvious, I'd just been talking about death and loss, my own mortality, mixed feelings about H's friend's and my grandmother's deaths. With the mixed feelings, I'm not sure that I'd ever even realized I had them, let alone admitted them to anyone. So I felt vulnerable. And I guess I just wanted validation, like for you to say something like, 'After a session like that, I can understand why you'd be feeling vulnerable. But you'll get through it.'"

T: "OK. When I read your email though, I didn't know why you were feeling vulnerable. So to have said something like that to you would have been dishonest. And you know I've pledged to always be honest with you." Me: "Yes, which I appreciate...I guess it's not fair for me to expect you to read my mind. Maybe I should have explained the vulnerable feeling more in the first email."

I said how I'd also read his email in a more negative tone. T gave a look. Me: "I know, that's why I shouldn't email..." T: "I'd never tell you that you shouldn't email. But that's why I prefer in person. If you're feeling a certain way, it's easy to ascribe tone to someone's words in an email. Not just with me, with anyone." Me: "Yeah...and I was feeling badly about myself, like that I was a bad person for thinking certain things. So I guess I assumed you were thinking the same things and projected that onto you. When I assume you weren't." T: "No, I wasn't."

I said how H had seemed really harsh to me since the night before, continuing to this morning. That I'd try to help with something with D the night before, and H yelled at me to "Go downstairs!" That I went downstairs and started crying a bit. And later he was yelling at D to "Just go to sleep!" which of course, how does that help? Then this morning he was carrying her in her room because she woudn't get dressed and tripped and dropped her, and she was all upset. And H was all "You're fine!" to her. Meanwhile, after, I was hugging her, saying how I knew it was scary, that she was OK, did she want another hug? (she did).

T: "Did he say that he was upset with you about something?" Me: "No. And I asked him multiple times the night before, because it seemed like everything I said or did bothered him. And he always said no." T: "Then it wasn't about you." Me: "I know, and I probably made it worse by asking him so often. That at one point in marriage counseling, ex-MC suggested I ask H if he's angry at me. And that I worried it would annoy H, and H did say he'd find it annoying. So I worry that in asking him, I annoy him more." T: "What you do, is you ask him once. And if he says it's not you, then you believe him." Me: "But what if it really is me?" T: "Well, then you gave him the chance to say that. If it is you and he doesn't tell you, when you specifically ask, that's on him, not you."

Me: "OK. This makes me think of something I was talking about with a friend, where she said she's trying to realize what she has control over and what she doesn't. And it's helping her to let go of what she can't control. Like...say, your response to my email. Or how H is acting." T: "That's a good thing to do." Me: "It's hard though." T: "Yes it is."

Me: "So with H, I think it may partly be about the anniversary of his friend's death. But do I ask him about that? Because maybe he want to talk or even know what's bothering him." T: "That could be." Me: "And I know I was being kind of weird Monday night after session, and I apologized for it yesterday, he said was OK. But I feel bad, because if he wanted to talk about friend that night, I kind of kept him from doing that. But I couldn't really talk about some of what I was upset about--I couldn't tell him that I had mixed feelings about his friend's death." T: "Remember, he maybe be having those mixed feelings himself, too. And feeling guilty about it." Me: "But I can't ask him about that..." T: "Well...if I were to ask someone about it. OK, with my wife I'd be more bold. But if it was, say, a friend, I might mention how people sometimes have mixed feelings about things like that, give him chance to open up, maybe share what I'm feeling." (or something to that effect) Me: "OK." (Incidentally, I'd noticed earlier in session that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring, but his mention of his wife made me assume he'd just forgotten it or something.)

Me: "But I don't know if his feelings are about the friend even. He's also had stress at work. I just worry this will continue." T: "Well, then you need to talk to him about it, not when he's acting angry. But when he's calmer. You can tell him something like, 'Maybe you haven't noticed it, but your irritability and anger are affecting me and D. And whatever it's about, you need to figure it out and get your ***** together so that you're not taking it out on us.'" Me: "OK, maybe I'll try that. It helps to have a suggestion of what to say."

I said I just have trouble dealing with anger in general. T said that anger is an emotion generally expressed without regard for how other people feel. And how people who express it will often feel guilty afterward. I said I've always had difficulty expressing anger. T: "That's because of anxiety. It prevents you from expressing it because you worry about your effect on other people." Me: "I never made that connection between anger and anxiety before. Huh. It makes sense. It's a difficult emotion for me to feel, too. I mean, we were talking once in marriage counseling about anger, and I said how I'd rather feel depression than anger. And ex-MC was just completely mystified by that."

T said depression is anger turned inward. He said my anxiety likely made me fear that if I expressed anger, it could lead to rejection or abandonment. Me: "Yeah, and I guess..." we exchanged a look...I continued "it's also tied to my needing people to like me? You were just thinking that weren't you?" T: "Yes, I was about to say the same thing." Me: "Hm."

Talked about anxiety some more, in terms of my fear of rejection by him, H, friends, etc. I said I felt like much of that had come from my mom, how she acted like I had to do things exactly right, not upset anyone, or I might get rejected. Like if I didn't call a friend back right away, they might be upset, or if I declined plans, they might not invite me out again. Like I feel I have to be the perfect friend. T: "That was your mom putting her anxiety on you." Me: "Yeah, like making me feel what maybe she feels in relationships." T: "Or her own fears for you that you wouldn't have friends or relationships." Me: "Hm, yeah...So I guess much of my anxiety comes from my mom then?" T: "Well, you're what we call a 'double-dipper.' You were socialized to have anxiety, plus you were genetically predisposed to anxiety." Me: "In other words, 'good luck with all that!'" T smiled. Me: "I hadn't heard the 'double-dipper' term for psychology before, just with, uh, dips, like Seinfeld."

(Edited this part): I noticed we were nearly out of time, and I quickly mentioned to him that I'd used the tensing and releasing muscles technique he'd demonstrated last session when I was upset Monday night. Then I glanced at the time and saw it was 25 minutes after (we start on half hour). Me: "Oh! We have to stop!" T didn't seem particularly alarmed (may not have had client right after me--waiting room was empty). He just took out his phone, said he had a meeting so didn't have usual time available Monday and apologized. Offered me two other times, I picked one (ended up changing it later). Then gave me usual Thursday time.

Went over to pay. Me: "Oh, I won both my fantasy football games this weekend!" T: "Look at you! What does that mean? Do you win something?" I attempted to give 30-second explanation of how fantasy football works to him. Paid, shook hands as he said, "Good luck in football this weekend!" Me: "Thanks!"

It's hard to describe this in writing, but I just felt really connected to him all session (well, after the very beginning bit). Lots of eye contact, caring looks, etc. I felt understood and accepted. It probably also helped that he wasn't defending my H's anger like ex-MC usually did...