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WarmFuzzySocks
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Member Since: Jun 2017
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Default Sep 14, 2018 at 12:47 PM
 
I started my most recent session by saying that I felt like my last session was a mess, all over the place. I was pretty distressed.

We talked a little about the dream book she'd lent me. I'd read something that didn't much have to do with any dreams I've been having, but which was meaningful and centering: That the goal I was striving for really was wonderful and beautiful, even though too much surrender and acceptance in pursuit of that goal created imbalance. She agreed, and reminded me that many of the actual dreams I've shared with her center around kindness and care for others.

I talked about a moment waking in the early morning in my tent in the woods that was profoundly centering, that in pursuing and praying for peace and clarity, I got a strong sense: I'm not looking for clarity, I'm looking for a different answer to the question. I've got the clarity that I need. And how I had to just sit with that for a while. It feels like another shift, a settling into peace instead of chasing it. Trusting myself. Which is what she said to me, again: Trust your voice.

I talked some about the most recent conversation I'd had with the kids' dad, and how the distance and sense of clarity or trust in this process served me well, because as we talked, I wasn't engaging in his manipulations and accusations in the same way. At the end of the session, she shared a story with me...my response: I've talked about this process as walking across a rope bridge. When you're on the bridge, it's bucking and swaying, and you're just gripping the ropes and trying to keep from falling off, putting on foot in front of the other. And I'm near the end of the bridge, so it's not swinging as much but I am still holding on for dear life and moving forward and can't really look up to see where I'm going. I felt like I'd just heard someone on the other side of the bridge saying, you've got this. The bridge ends. It's good over here. I feel like I am almost to solid ground.

Then, briefly, because we were getting past time, I told her I hadn't even gotten to what the kids' dad had said when I told him I'd locked my door that night after we'd talked: He'd thought I should be further along in my recovery by now.
Her face did this --> And I said, I know, right?

Then it was past time to go, so I did, out into pouring rain.

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Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special attention to those who, by accidents of time, or place, or circumstance, are brought into closer connection with you. (St. Augustine)
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