It got real in session today. Didn’t talk about much that I had planned. Began by talking about reflexology as a venue for inner work.
‘It brought up a lot of stuff for me.’
‘In terms of triggers?’
‘Not triggers, but thoughts and feelings I would be better off bringing into this space.’
I mentioned that I had been confronted with the question ‘What the hell are you so scared of?’ Talked about the line that I am unaware of until I cross it, and that is where the intense emotions are –fear, anger, crying.
‘It sounds really scary to not be aware until you have crossed that line.’
‘It’s worse when I am in conversation with somebody, and they react badly.’
I tried to talk some more about reaction to the pottery experience and how mum reacted.
The filter got in the way. I eventually responded to R’s question ‘What are you hoping to do today?’ With ‘I want to restore…’
‘This is really hard for me to say. I want to restore a sense of safety.’
‘Are you talking about between us?’
‘Yes.’
I had talked earlier about how not all of my feelings can come out through perfect poetry. ‘Some need to come out through the land of four letter words.’
We had a conversation about how being ‘together’, being a functional human, doesn’t mean everything is perfect all the time, but you can be pissed off and own it.
She said ‘What I can feel you trying to say is that this break has been really hard. It is OK to say that, Lost. Can you tell me how the experience was for you without this space?’
I don’t know how I didn’t break then. I came very close to tears.
‘Sorry.’ I grabbed her hand.
‘It felt like a bomb going off. I come back to the cinema experience because I didn’t know that was going to happen. There are other people, but they have to drag it out of me.’
‘I understand that this is not a magical space where things get fixed, but I appreciate that it is important to you.’
We talked about the frustration that gave away to feeling as I did in August 2016…
‘And I didn’t ever want to feel like that again.’
I talked about needing to know my warning signs better, and reaching out whilst I still have the chance.
She reaffirmed that she can’t be there forever, and validated my fear about the lack of support.
‘There must have been a point where you thought ‘Shit! Is this space ever coming back?’
‘Yes.’
‘Turn the filter off, Lost.’
I talked about how my inability to take the phone call didn’t help matters, but held my tongue concerning ‘She’ll be in touch.’
R asked whether I would have felt better if I had been able to email and enquire.
I explained that crisis in another’s life automatically puts them on a temporary Do Not Contact list, even though I know it is different between us.
R said that she had learned from this experience, and felt that she could have managed client expectations better. She thanked me for being honest with her.
We shared that we had both found it intense, but R said that it would have been weird if we had just tried to go straight back to how it was before.