Wow. This response. You understand. It hurts so much....
I think at some point he will "wake up" and by that time...I'm afraid it will be too late...and I hate that. Timing is really everything. We aren't on the same page. He is self-sabataging...and I think that partly it is because he has given up...partly because he is hurt...he is fighting this awful battle...or he isn't fighting at all. He thinks lowly of himself...and he knows that I'm in pain but he's not taking action and has not taken action in a long time. The action he has taken over the years is unfortunately minimal. I always attributed to "it's the best he can give. I should be happy he's finally willing to TRY meds and therapy". That was always my excuse in recent years. "at least he's finally in therapy" but we are going on 5 years of that excuse. He may be ahead of where he was when he was into worse drugs, but the stability has almost primarily been as a result of myself keeping up with this life for him. The stability has only been glimpses of stability.

The "why would you be with him" question is something that the other part of me has always asked. Potential. Potential is a dangerous word I think. Loving someone right here and now....rather than what you believe is inside...loving the glimpses of the person he is...wow. I am having loads of epiphanies lately. It isn't that i haven't examined my choices and my life with him over the years. I have...but only lightly and only long enough to not try anything different.

I'm afraid also that he will "snap out of it" and go into that person that I'm so in love with (the one that I get to have glimpses of...sometimes for hours...sometimes for a few weeks or even months)....and then I'll be weak and rethink what I'm heading for.

I have been sobbing lately every few days. Crying every day. Mourning something even though he is still at the house. I'm so scared for him and his future.

We had hope....and that hope keeps getting more and more limited. The reality is that in the here and now...the relationship is minuscule or even nonexistent. Yesterday I saw him talking to our toy poodle and it was heartbreaking for me.

I thought I could give him the life that no one else thought he could have.................................................
So I too am deeply flawed. In most other aspects of my life...I'm a realist. When it comes to my husband, I do truly have rose-colored glasses. Always have. I can bash him...I can criticize him...I can see from an outsider's perspective how one-sided the relationship is.....but I also have that unconditional love....it's not healthy. It's like a mother-son thing.

My needs aren't being met. :-( I thought that I could handle that though. I thought that I could handle this life......because I believed he would eventually completely commit to taking care of himself. Yeah...I'm an enabler. I'm a controller. And here I am....broken.

Seeming normal. Holding my **** together at work.... but so broken.
I will and am continuing to see a therapist. I just had her put me in weekly for the foreseeable future.

Still--I feel like I am turning my back on someone. Throwing him away. Letting him do this to himself....
But that's a flawed way of thinking. I didn't make him choose to give me the silent treatment for a month. I certainly didn't suggest he stop his meds...I didn't spend his paychecks. I didn't buy him drugs or give him money for it. I certainly didn't suggest that he start drinking vodka...........

THIS SUCKS.