I think that she may be calmer in a nursing home because she will not have any reasons left to shout, after some time. But I may be completely wrong.

I can't even bear to think of leaving her. In my case, she has brought me up as a single parent. I've seen her working hard and spending her whole time in tension to bring me up. As much as I sometimes hate her for doing what she does to me, I get softened when I see her shouting senseless things, crying sometimes. I hate myself, I hate my life.

I had some hopes and aspirations of a good life when I was smaller. But not now. I've become something of a living dead person, who just finds enjoyment in work, sleep, food and just being with myself.

I can't bear to socialise. I want to, sometimes. But I have become dead inside, it seems. But not bad, in a good way I think. At least I'm functional and that's what matters I think.

She just had a fight with a neighbor downstairs. She had, by mistake (truthfully by mistake) let a bag of trash fall out of the balcony, and it ended up in the driveway below, and a lady from below started shouting to her. She shouted back, argued her way, got into a rage, then I came there and calmed the situation down. She went inside without me telling her to and kept quite.

But I got angry. I know one thing, and it is that that lady (the woman who shouted on my mother) would not have had the courage to shout at my mother if my mother was not behaving like she does every other day. Now, whenever I have to face that lady, I will have to hear out long rants about how my mother behaves, etc. And that's all my mother's fault. I pointed this out to my mother instantly. How can I save her if she is ****ing all things herself? I have no power on others if you're yourself wrong.

Then she started saying bad words to me. She started fighting with me. I put up a fight too, in the hope that she will understand what I'm saying. But NO she will NOT understand. She came up to me and slapped me in the face. I got angry, but I would not have slapped her back, but I know that if I allow her to hit me without me hitting her back, she will increase these things and start hitting me every day. The last time I endured her without hitting back, she started threatening me to hit me with a cricket bat.

So I can't let her hit me. She threatens to break this laptop from which I'm typing this, the only device I have that connects to the internet. If I lose this laptop I don't have money to buy a new one.

The tension in which I'm living, I've become numb now. I just wish I was dead, death seems at least a state in which her shouts will not be able to disturb me at least.