My Support Forums - View Single Post - Co-Dependent and So Tired

LuckyCupofTea · Sep 26, 2018 at 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DahveyJonez

Wished I'd noticed your post earlier. We must be vying for the Helicopter Parent of the Year Award.

Your daughter's symptoms appeared after what was repeated bullying. A lot of my son's issues that were lying dormant, and probably would have remained dormant, appeared after bullying (teacher bullying).

I'd seen a documentary on television a few years ago, can't remember the name of it - where this girl and her family were making a chronology of their lives - what they'd not realised at the time was that the filmed chronicle would end up capturing one of the family member's autism in the making. You could see this one family member going from a girl who was just a little bit different (probably high functioning AS just under the radar) to full blown - you could see her rapid deterioration as a result of school bullying. By the time they realised what was happening, the damage was already done. She would continue to deteriorate from there.

It's really eye opening, if you've ever a chance to see it.

Ja, I've a lot of thoughts regarding the culture of bullying in the school system but that's for another time/venue.

Been there, done that.

Its why I'm on this forum. My son isn't the type to seek help, to look outside the box, to seek others' experiences, compare and contrast. Hence, I'm doing that for him. He's very verbal but written communication and expression just isn't there.

It's a natural biological function for parents to feed, protect then ready our offspring for the world. Its our job. The problem is, what happens when one of them fails to thrive. To what length's will one go?

Is failure, really not an option?

Are you so sure you are an enabler (yes, in this situation, but are you by nature controlling, etc)

If your daughter is your only child, it might be difficult for you to answer that question.

For us, we are 'lucky' in some respects in that we have a second child that we can compare our parenting styles to. A boy a couple of years younger who, in contrast to his older brother, is very self-sufficient, responsible (he gets up 5am, makes sure his parents are up, makes breakfast, gets the dogs out, gets himself to school) thrives in competitive environments, honors student, etc., etc. We feel guilty for so little time we've spent on him - its all gone to trying to help his brother.

We didn't "push" him to be like that. We did encourage healthy traits, independence, etc., but we encouraged that in his brother as well.

Same parents, same environmental variables, different outcomes (mind you, its early to say how it will all come out in the end).

The whole point of that being, yes, in hindsight, you are probably enabling and maybe you have done so from the beginning and you could have codependency issues across the board and ...

But if that didn't apply to the rest of your relationships, if you have (or had before the onset of your daughter's plight) a normal, non-codependent relationship with your husband, other children, etc.,.... you get my point.

I guess the real question - for us, as well as you - is not, are we becoming clinically codependent but rather at what point do we give up, let go, realise that the boundaries between our adult children and ourselves have blurred far too much and we begin to reassess and respond to calls for help differently. At what point must we understand that an adult has made choices and that we are not and cannot be responsible for those choices, as much as we would wish otherwise.

We haven't found the answer to that yet. If you happen to find it, let us know.

FWIW

So I am just now recognizing my "codependence" issue with my husband. My mother is an alcoholic and it probably stemmed from that. However, with my mother, I set boundaries for myself in my mid twenties, such as not talking to her after 6pm (she starts drinking at 5pm on the dot every night" and also not feeding into her drama. I still maintain a relationship with her but unfortunately it has to be limited for my own mental health.

After setting those boundaries though, I continued my relationship with my husband. We were just dating at the time...but as time went on, and we grew throughout twenties, I became more and more involved in his life and trying to make his life better. "He has so much potential" I thought. He is smart, skilled...funny...has a heart...he could really make something of himself...But the truth is, he was self-medicating, couch surfing, going from one job to the next. He would get hired easily, due to his charisma and his skill, but he just would not be able to keep a job...it was typically because one day he just wouldn't go to work. He would have a mental breakdown of sorts and leave for a few days and go into the woods to drink....literally live in the woods. After that he would likely not try to come back, just assume he was fired. I smoothed things over a few times with bosses and it was always extremely uncomfortable.

So it went on. He has schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. He refused treatment for years and during that time I would find him jobs....each time he would lose one...I would pay his overdraft fees and help him open new bank accounts.....I would set him up with car insurance...

Then he started treatment and I thought OMG! He is finally doing this! Anytime he had an issue after that...which was all the time...jobs lost...money binges....drinking...weed....I would say to myself...well....at least he's willing to do therapy and take some meds...maybe it will get better. Maybe he will accept this and really start taking care of himself.

I can handle this, I thought....I can do this. As long as he agrees to see a therapist and take medication...even if he skips appointments, loses jobs, and stops taking his meds...it's part of the illness. I can handle it..

But you know what? His failures and mistakes started feeling like mine early on. I 100% invested myself. His jobs were my jobs. I'm extremely responsible...maybe overly responsible. He would lose a job and I would feel so disappointed and sad. I've failed again, I thought. Why couldn't he do this? Why couldn't he keep this job? He loved it so much.

He would be disappointed in himself, but I would be more disappointed. I would immediately spring into action to try to help him find a new job. Rapid fired suggestions....etc. I'd try to pump him up and look at the bright side. I'd make excuses to my friends and family. Only a select number of people knew about his illness, so it was tiring. Eventually he agreed that we...meaning I...would tell all of our close family members what was going on.

It was a big relief to both of us, but it just was not enough. That was this past December. He was hospitalized for 3 weeks, including Christmas in our new house.

I guess my point is...I can relate to the co-dependence thing. Jumping into action as soon as even the SMELL of a POSSIBLE issue came my way.

Living day to day...worried that a good mood meant that soon everything would come crashing down again and I'd be picking up the pieces. That's the perspective of a spouse though...a spouse who is acting and feeling like a mother....

Let me say one more thing and this relates more to the parenting side--when my husband was 20 years old, his brother (who was in my grade) had just graduated high school. My husband was pretty unstable at the time and dabbling in a variety of drugs with the wrong crowd. We were not together yet, but were heading in that direction (even though I have never done drugs/smoked/had never even had alcohol at that point).

Due to the crowd he was running with, his mother did what she thought was best. I understand from one perspective, but it is also heart breaking. She didn't want BOTH of her sons to end up living that life. So--she rented my husband's brother an apartment SEVERAL states away....paid for it all...and said...you're starting a new life and you can't tell your brother until the day that you leave. I don't want him to follow you.

My husband has ALWAYS idolized his brother. This was heartbreaking for him. The day his brother came to him and said he was leaving...he had to watch him drive away. They see each other on holidays and talk on the phone but 12 years later, his brother remains distant and relatively uninvolved. My husband's best friend has been more of a brother.

My mother in law recently expressed that she has always felt a bit guilty that she didn't give my husband's brother as much attention...however, she says she doesn't regret it. By nature, he just didn't NEED the extra care that my husband needed. He functioned alright on his own.

Mental illness is the devil.