I think about this. When should I have known...as a 38 y/o with social awkwardness..coming to therapy already not reading other people’s cues very well.

With #2 AbsuviePdoc (he sexually exploited me), Maybe it should have been at the beginning of the full-body hugs. Maybe it should have been when he asked me to relate any sexual fantasies I had of him. But the hugs didn’t seem overtly sexual. And I thought relating fantasies were just part of therapy.

When many people go to the doctor they don’t go with the mindset,’ I’ll not take their advice.’ That’s why you consult a doctor or therapist, right? Because you’re in over your head, you’re confused. You go to them for help. You think they might know something you don’t know.

Ok, NOW I go to the doctor with the mindset, ‘question everything.’ ! But people don’t always do that.

The psychiatrist #1 (PrevPDoc) I saw before the sexually exploitative one #2 (AbusivePDoc) completely sexualized therapy, was completely into Freud. He loved the f* word. He’d explain it’s just a word. It’s a wonderful word that can mean so many different things. He was charismatic. He was a force all his own.

Once, in inpatient group therapy #1 had a group of us women in therapy. He started talking about fantasies, how fantasies were harmless, just thoughts. No action. He told us, ‘ I’ve already f* you and you and you in my fantasies, pointing to each of us. Totally sexualized all of us. But this was accepted? We all just smiled! He was a hit! We accepted this.

Now, looking back, I see he did many unethical things. But he never touched me. He never suggested FOR REAL that we should have a romantic or physical relationship. He was a colorful guy.

I had just moved to California at that time. I thought that’s just how therapy was done in California.

Years later, I found out that #1 PrevPdoc had some kind of front lobe dementia. He was arrested for writing opioid and benzo prescriptions and selling them. At least one person died from overdosing on his prescriptions. He is now a felon and in prison. Although I never saw that kind of behavior around me, I never heard of him selling scripts around me or my group of friends, his dementia was probably part of the explanation for his colorful therapy style and lack of boundaries when I knew him. How would a regular person be able to spot that? He was the director of the hospital. Why wouldnt his own colleagues call him out if they knew better?? How could I know he was sick if no ne else knew it or said anything?
My take-away was this behavior was accepted!

#1 PrevPDoc moved and I began seeing #2 AbusivePdoc.

But up until after the #2 abusive Pdoc, no one had ever discussed ‘boundaries’ with me. Therapists before had redirected me, Sure, they might say, ‘Let’s not discuss that here. Take that issue back to group and tell THEM.’ Therapists had boundaries on their contact limitations, etc. But no one had ever discussed MY boundaries with me in a meaningful way.

It’s a conversation I needed to have. I needed to learn where my boundaries were. I needed to know I should have my own boundaries and not just go along and accept everything that happened to me. No one told me about ‘ethics.’
I was gullible and naive. I wish someone had told me before I got into this entire mess.. but who?

It’s a conversation more therapists need to have with their clients.

I am better at boundaries now. But I beat myself up with when ‘I should have known.’

I think about it. But I just don’t know when ‘I should have known.’