Fuzzy, I identify a lot with your post.

I'm making my way through some of it. . .with great difficulty.

Here's something that happened recently that gave me a bit of help, maybe.

I have 2 adult children. The relationships, especially the one with my daughter, are somewhat strained. I have done "my best" and despite many attempts at "changing", doing better, etc., at this point it kinda is what it is, probably.

15+ years ago a stray cat entered my life and then brought 5 kittens into the world, here in my house. One died before he was 1 but the others I have known for 15 years. They are "people" to me and I believe I am a "people" to them, whatever that is for a cat. The mom I love but it's different.

One of the former kittens died recently and. . .my grief has been unbearable. It tells me, in a way, that I loved that cat without question.

I love my kids, too. . .but it's different. There were and have been expectations that I had about them. The "love" I received growing up was conditional, too. That's what I knew, behaviourally, even though I tried my best to do things differently. And, the kids are both doing OK. So between me and the husband I "chose" we did OK. I guess.

Nevertheless, the loss of that cat and the unconditional love that I know I feel for him, still, tell me something about love that somehow I kinda never knew before.

I didn't get that kind of love growing up. My somewhat "weird" husband and I did love each other. But we lived kinda in our own bubble. When he died it was like a part of me died, too, and the grief was. . .unfeelable. In order to let my "love" be real in the rest of the world it now feels like I have to let go of my family of origin and what they have meant to me -- positive and negative. It makes me want to cry and I often feel that I can't do it. "I need my family to survive" or some impulse/response like that, maybe.

We have to "love" each other, maybe? Even if that's . . .well, is it possible? We don't know each other well, we live on 2 different sides of the world. I do feel like I understand something about your pain and struggle, though.