Hon, I really feel I understand and, certainly, it IS understandable you'd be left with these thoughts and feelings. Abuse of any kind is obviously traumatic, and unforgivable, I do hope that you'll be able to get help in future, if you feel a need. Infact, I'd urge you to....imo, you won't move on, without proper help, but of course, no one can tell you what's best. Being very frank, I'm unsure I'll ever be able to have a physical relationship with a man ever again. Your post has struck a chord with me. Sending you much love and I'm here in what way I can be, if you should ever want/need to talk