So I rarely post here, and if you were on the regular part of this forum you saw my recent positive post. Things are good with T and I

However, my lifelong jealousy is at an all time high with him. He knows I have this issue but we have not talked much about it. For months I've been ok with it all, it hasn't bothered me...

Now, two things at once, happened that trigged this again and It's really bad right now.

The thing is, all my life I've ONLY had jealousy of other women... and never in a rage way but in a "they are better than me, I'm worthless" way ...I have many issues with women in general... (thanks mom and grandma)

Anyway the reason I am writing this here is, my feelings, while mostly are still "friend like" desire type... have crossed into romantic and sexual.... (although he does not and will not know either of those)

I think this could be playing a huge part in things lately, every woman is now also a "threat" in a way... and it's driving me crazy. The weird thing is, there is some women, he talks to regularly at work, and I may be around, I'm not phased. It's like if I'm not there though, that's what bugs me... the "what are they doing and what are they laughing and talking about" type stuff.

I don't wanna ruin things, they are really good now but I'm unsure how to manage this. As I said, it's been a lifelong battle, normally I just ignore it but I can't with this. My feelings for him seem to grow by the day and so does the jealousy.... and I HATE the jealous side of me. It's a terrible quality to have.

I need to figure how to manage this, I can't see him for a few days yet... and we don't really do outside contact, so any advice? I feel like spending the next few days just laying in bed sleeping so I can stop thinking about it but I have to work

*also an interesting note, I think back to all the people I've had terrible jealousy problems with and it's always a different thing that really sets me off, with him, its laughing with other women. I just can't deal with it.... although in this specific case that inspired my post, my mind is all over the place, I'm jealous about a million little things. (Although weirdly no jealously with his female family members or long time female friends)