I love this thread! Thank you for starting it!

I haven't read through all of the posts yet, but I'm so glad to see this thread. I just need to vent a little...or alot lol.

I know for a FACT that living in poverty has really been a struggle for me. When I was little I didn't know that we lived in poverty (my aunt's Ramen noodles was always a delicacy to me lol), but as kids pick up on things, I just knew that that money was a big issue in our family (I realize now that I had some MAJOR confusion as a kid because (among other confusing things) I was poor and black from the "hood," and my elementary school years were spent at an affluent predominantly white Catholic school. Oh how I'm teased to this day because I "act white" etc). I remember when my mom was alive. When I was about twelve I asked her if I could borrow some money because I understood that money was a big deal, and I wanted to be able to pay her back. She actually had to tell me that I was her daughter and I didn't need to "borrow" money. I ask for it and she gives it end of story. That really blew my mind lol.

Then cut to my early adulthood and I"m a young poor black woman surrounded by affluent friends. Somewhere in my head I didn't get that my friends and I were different because of the wealth gaps between us (I'm sure for many reasons I didn't understand and due to trauma I'm only just now starting to understand myself better). I lived with a friend who's dad was a doctor and they took me in because my home was terrible. I guess somewhere along the line I started to believe that the "American Dream" was for me too. I have no idea. But I had champagne dreams on a beer budget lol. It took me a VERY long time to accept that hey...I'm poor...and I don't know if any amount of pulling myself up by the boot straps is going to help that lol.

Cut to my early twenties and my brief stint in community college. I REALLY struggled with being in poverty (especially since after I moved in with my friend with the doctor dad who was ironically enough living paycheck to paycheck albeit in a different way than my family, I never had a reliable living situation. I moved once a year for about five years. I was always on edge waiting for my current living situation to be over...having no idea how to be a responsible adult.) I was trying to work and go to school, which was enormously stressful. I had no money which was enormously stressful. I mean I was emotionally torn because that was the first time I considered government assistance and was thinking about applying for food stamps. Talk about embarrassed!!!

Here I was a young black woman having to go on food stamps. I did NOT want to be a statistic (and it didn't help that one of my college teachers said it looked like I could be on welfare in class one day. It was a communications class and he was talking about the judgments we make about people. Ouch).

Then with everything that was going on in my early twenties I landed smack in the middle of a mental breakdown that I'm still recovering from. I've watched people I've known before buy houses, marry, have kids...and here I was. Living with my grandma on government assistance and mentally ill.

Thank Yah that I'm no longer living with my grandma, and I'm out of a very dysfunctional and abusive family dynamic...but I'm still broke as a joke lol. Everything I get is because of government assistance (which is scary because laws change and I could lose everything. not even considering the fact that you have to stay pretty much broke to receive assistance).

I'm on SSDI, food stamps, Medicare (I had Medicaid before they said my income was too high...and I REALLY don't get that much from my disability check), in subsidized housing, almost all of my new clothes came from the free store or thrift store (which I don't mind I love thrifting) or someone bought it or it was a donation made to the building I live in. My monthly grocery trips include going on my usual food pantry stops. I have nothing really. No savings, property, nothing.

But you know what surprises me the most? I'm as snug as a bug in a rug! I couldn't be MORE grateful that I have what I have. I'm finally safe and have time to heal. I'm learning about myself in ways I never knew, and I'm SO blessed!

Maybe, although I do get a little anxious about being poor, I'm so content because I've never had money? I don't know. A family friend jokes that black people have never really had anything in this country (she's in her 70's and grew up poor in Arkansas) so when the economy crashes we just keep on doing what we always did lol). I have no idea.

But it's just so nice to be able to talk about it and know that I"m not the only one struggling in poverty. I know the poverty struggle can feel crippling (as someone mentioned it's not just material poverty either), but I know I'm not alone. I think I lost my train of thought a bit with this post lol...I was just so happy to see this thread. Thanks for starting it HappyCrafter!