Quote:
Originally Posted by feileacan
I was not referring to that characteristic as being wrong. Rather, this was a symptom that something was wrong with me and this "wrong" was way deeper than this one symptom. It was part of the mask I was wearing, myself being almost completely dead behind the mask. This deadness was the wrongness I was referring to.
I think this period was the first important test my T passed successfully. Although I guess he might have had quite strong feelings at that time and he did not resist being seduced, it seems he never really got hooked and he certainly did not collude with me.
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Very similar with my last T. It was very clear that he was affected in similar ways I’d seen with countless others previosly but did not engage / got hooked behaviorally. I told him multiple times how I appreciated that.
For me, I would not describe my version as deadness inside and I definitely had a number of goodand meaningful relationships in my childhood, adolescence and later. But definitely a level of emotional detachment and avoidance that many people close to me noted or complained about. So yes, in that sense it was wrong. I am still prone to it to a certain extent especially when stressed or when I feel insecure but at this point the best way to work on it is challenging myself in everyday life, to do things differently. I think Iknow pretty well what has caused this pattern. The expedition of identifying it did start out with a perception of “something is deeply wrong with me” as well - it was quite a ride in my entire 30’s more or less, leading to some pretty severe “side effects” of the investigation as I did not do it in safe ways at all.