I am not sure where to start... my mental health was doing pretty darn good. I found out I was pregnant in the beginning of May. It was exciting, and scary. My husband and I already have a 2 year old boy so it was exciting to add another baby to the family, and that my son would have a sibling, but I was afraid of how my relationship with my son would change.

Anyway, I was taking an antidepressant, and was slowly trying to come off of it, but it was really difficult. I had an easy time coming off of it with my first pregnancy. Eventually my obgyn said it's ok and I can stay on the lowest dose. My husband and I got to see an ultrasound picture of our little baby, I was able to hear the heartbeat a few weeks after that ultrasound. It was fleeting, but I heard it. There were times in June where I just didn't feel pregnant, and I was extremely moody. I started getting some pelvic pain, but it didn't seem too alarming. I called the doctors office and got in the next day or so. I can't quite remember, but it was July 2nd.

The midwife who was on call, got her handheld doppler out to listen for a heartbeat. I gestured to the area where my regular ob found it before, but nothing. She said she would go get the ultrasound machine, and she came back with another doctor. I started feeling nervous. They did an abdominal scan first, then internal... things felt off.... and I asked if I should be worried. The midwife and doctor told me they were so sorry.... there was no heartbeat. I screamed and cried, and screamed and cried. I had to get an official ultrasound done, but I couldn't get in until the next morning. I prayed for a miracle, but that next morning I did start bleeding... and it was confirmed that my baby died around 8 weeks, but I was around 12. My body never recognized it. My husband and I decided to let my body miscarrying naturally.

It was on July 6th when I finally miscarried my sweet little baby. I ended up going to the ER because I bled so much. Fortunately it wasn't bad enough that I needed blood, but there was an ob on call and we went over my options. Since I already passed my baby, I decided to do a D&C to make the bleeding stop faster. It was bittersweet, and gave me some closer to get the procedure done.

It has been over 3 months since my miscarriage and I've been doing better, but I have days where it hurts so bad. I feel guilt, I feel like a failure. My body failed me, I failed my baby, I failed my husband, and I failed my son. All of my hopes and dreams for having another child were just crushed. I remember women telling me before that they had a miscarriage and I felt bad for them, but I never knew what hell they really had to endure. The physical and emotional pain is like no other. All of my mental health symptoms came back tenfold. It was like I was back at day 1 in 2009 when my mental health first crashed.

I just feel so alone, my "friends" don't really understand and they hardly reach out to me when I'm having bad days. I want to be strong for my son, but some days I wish I didn't exist.

If you actually read this... thank you for reading.