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Old 10-24-2018, 10:51 AM
Hastings101 Hastings101 is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 12
Hastings101 Hastings101 is offline
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Hastings101 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 12

Default Re: New and a problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by comethisfar View Post
Hi Hastings101,
I am sorry you are going through this. You describe the situation eloquently but my guess is living through all of it is one hundred times harder than words can describe. Whilst it all doesn‘t make sense and you are trying to figure out what is going on and why your husband is spiralling out of control, some days and situations more some less....Here are some things I see in your description, and I really mean no harm by saying that, so if it isn‘t helpful consider it just a reflection by a fellow Psych Central member: freaking out over a sick doctor and over medical members of your family observing their professional ethics by not subscribing p-meds isn‘t cool and from what you say you recognize that. You need to not only not feed into that (as you say) but distance yourself from the violent behavior he displays by breaking things. It isn‘t safe for you and probably also not for your stepson. You probably want the best for him by trying to get him meds and therapy but by tolerating that kind of over-the-top behavior you are actually „normalizing“ it. Believe me I know how hard it is to shut him out when you just want to help. But please also believe me that by not recalibrating your standards for what is acceptable i.e healthy behavior around you and your family you are helping him realize that it won‘t be the meds and the p-docs who fix his mental issues but first and foremost he himself.

After 15 years of living with a PD partner myself I often feel I no longer know what a „normal“ reaction to anything is but I have learnt to know what I can‘t tolerate for my own good and sanity. And I have also learnt that nothing, and I mean NOTHING I do matters unless my partner wants his life and our relationship to improve. The first step, and in our case by far the hardest, was for him to recognize that he has to want help
(medication, therapy, accept his diagnosis) and work hard on himself. In hindsight, I know that without that, despite all my love for him, my best intentions, the therapies I had, the dozens of books I read, the forums and help groups I am in, the couple‘s therapy we had ... our relationship would have ended in disaster.

None of this might apply to you and your husband...so please don‘t misunderstand my post to be patronizing. Just a perspective. I truly wish for you and your stepson that your situation gets better and soon!
That is all very helpful and I thank you for it. I agree. It is hard to live with. Almost impossible at this point. I'm in constant fear that he'll take another bad turn and we'll end up in an hours-long discussion.

I'm a rational, practical person and I don't really know how to deal with irrational behavior. He can't see it but I can. Some of what he's saying and feeling is, I feel, legitimate and makes sense. But some of it is like he's spiraling. He's trapped in negative thoughts and feelings and can't get out or let things go. And he can't (or won't) accept that he might be wrong or mistaken.

I'm well-aware at this point that it's not normal behavior and that's why I won't give in to him on the medical question and expecting relatives to do things they consider unethical and even dangerous. Unfortunately, that just feeds his anger and sense of betrayal. He feels like he needs me to take his side and for people to side with him just once. Or that's what he says. But I know from experience and from the way he acts that there's really nothing anyone can do that will satisfy him. It's like he's testing everyone and determined that they're all going to fail. Then he can be righteously angry.

Thing is, he admits that he's wrong on some of it and he knows he is. But he can't help it.

I'm hopeful that this new psychiatrist will be able to help and that he will remain open to anger management/couples therapy.

In the meantime, I've made arrangements with a friend to have a safe haven if I need it (he doesn't know where this friend lives). But I hate to abandon him. I very much fear that if I did that, my marriage would be over. And, since I love him, I don't want that. And I don't want him to have what he would see as proof that I don't care about him and always side with my family.

I really appreciate everyone's help and advice. This is a very difficult time and it's a relief to vent to people who understand.
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