Hi everyone,

Sorry for such a long post. It’s my first post and I want to get everything off my chest.

I’m hoping to gain more clear insight into what options I have and where to go from here to get help. I’m functioning ok – I’m in school – however, I struggle holding jobs and with relationships. Overall, I’d say I’m not depressed enough to have no vision for the future, but depressed enough to be held back from achieving those things. I feel like other therapy has failed me and I’m on my own to “treat” myself by sticking to reading and figuring things out on my own. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just scary to think about.

To give some background on my depression/anxiety, I started getting panic attacks when I was 5-6 years old, and it led to low self-esteem, social problems, and chronically low mood. I realized that I was depressed and possibly needed help in 8th grade, but I was too scared to ask for it. By that time I had already had a thought or two about suicide and was struggling with an eating disorder. Going into high school I turned to partying and self-injury to solve some of these issues which exposed me to trauma I’m still trying to overcome. At 15 I asked for help and started seeing a therapist. I continued therapy with various people and at various levels (inpatient, outpatient, DBT, CBT, talk therapy) up until I turned 21. I also spent 4 years trying a dozen medications. I have now been off all medication for 2 years and out of therapy for 1 year. Part of me wants to go back because I’m afraid of what will happen if I continue without social and emotional support (I struggle with friendships and relationships), but another part of me feels some resentment and hopelessness over the fact that these treatments have only minimally helped. I have this vague sense that all my therapists hate me and don’t want me to get better despite knowing this is irrational. I’ve seen a wide range of therapists who have only served to make me feel worse about myself, and I’m not sure how to get past this to continue a probably very long search for a decent therapist. I also have to wonder if there’s something wrong with me and not the therapists.

I’m starting to look into newer treatments. I don’t think my depression is sever enough to consider EST, but there’s newer evidence about ketamine and the role of the immune system. I think I’m depressed because I’m alone, and I’m alone because I’m too depressed to connect with anyone. I just want to break the cycle.

Can you guys give me advice?