Just getting some stuff out.

In first school I was obsessed with this boy (S) in the class (possibly some sort of childish crush?) and I daydreamed about him a lot. There was this annoying boy (W) who was always getting told off and was always picking fights with other boys (including S). He was bigger than most boys and I remember the teacher said something about him "throwing his weight around". Though he never bothered me personally, he was annoying and I got more annoyed when he started picking on S. I dealt with this by daydreaming about S pushing W over and jumping up and down on him. I really enjoyed this daydream.

In middle school I had a crush on this guy (A) who was more one of my female friends' friend, but we all hung around together so he was in my "friend group". I wished he was my boyfriend instead of just a friend and daydreamed a lot. Then one day another boy in the class made a joke that I was his girlfriend. He said something along the lines of "Eww no way! She's far to skinny and pale". I wanted to cry but I didn't, not at school anyway, when I got home I cried all evening but I was too embarrassed to tell my mum why when she asked. I made up something else actually but I can't remember what. I also tried to avoid A at school but I was worried it would look obvious.

Also in middle school I had a crush on another boy but I found out he had a girlfriend in the year above. This might have been the start of my jealousy problem, because I really hated her. I walked past her in the corridor and gave her a dirty look and fantasised about tripping her up (but I didn't).

By high school I had been told I was unattractive so many times I gave up on boys, though I did have many crushes on singers/band members and I daydreamed about them a lot.

I know this isn't school but it's similar. At one of the courses the jobcentre sent me to, I had a crush on a guy (P). But I knew from the past that I am too ugly so I pretended to not like him and made a special effort to ignore and avoid him. I had made friends with another girl in the class (F) so I mostly sat with her and talked to her. One day I saw F talking to P and laughing. My jealousy raged and I felt some hate towards F and didn't really want to talk to her. But I didn't want it look obvious. There was no actually evidence that they were flirting or whatever, and at some point F got a boyfriend (not on this course) and that was such a relief because it meant she wouldn't be interested in P. But I was never going to ask him and out and obviously he would have never asked me out, so really it shouldn't have mattered. But I don't think I could have been friends with F if she was with my crush.

I have grown out of that now, and never really have crushes on men anymore because it's pointless, I accept that I'm far too unattractive now. I still do get jealous about other things that other people have and I can't have, and I think now I'm more jealous that other girls can get boyfriends because they are attractive enough.