The past year has been one of the most tumultuous, eventful, and anxiety-inducing years I have ever experienced. It was a culmination of many big life changes, and I think it was the first time I had ever experienced true depression. I felt like I was going through all the motions of life, but not really living it. I lost interest in the things I loved. I wanted to feel interested but I just couldn't bring myself to. I was never suicidal, for which I am grateful, but I simply couldn't see a future for myself. I had good friends who I know loved me but I just couldn't accept or feel their love. Although I had so many difficult days and bad nights, I also had some exciting experiences, but I don't feel like I was able to live them to the fullest.

Now that I am in a better and calmer place and feeling more like myself again, I constantly find myself thinking back to all the things that happened over the past year, as if I'm trying to re-live each moment in my mind, since I didn't really get to live them at the time. I don't know if that makes sense? It's almost like I'm mourning the loss of all the experiences I missed out on, of all the things I was there for but not really emotionally there for. I know it was a terrible time for me mentally, but I can't help but wish I could go back and re-live it all, just without feeling depressed. I've been reading old journal entries, old texts, listening to old playlists, looking at my calendar to see what I was doing on this day last year and it's all so vivid. And it's making me sad because obviously I can't go back. And I feel like I missed out on a valuable chunk of time.

Just felt like sharing that.... not sure what I hoped to achieve. It's just all very overwhelming to really realize that we only get to live the present moment once.

- AJ