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Old 11-04-2018, 06:21 PM
Amedley71 Amedley71 is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2018
Location: Oklahoma
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Amedley71 Amedley71 is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2018
Location: Oklahoma
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Default Re: Threatened by wife's polyamory

Quote:
Originally Posted by treevoice View Post
Hi there,

I'm very sorry to hear about the experience you're having. I've been in a polyamorous relationship for about 7 years, and I feel it's important to speak up for you in this case: *polyamorous people can still cheat*. It seems that you've been handling this very maturely, trying to see things from your wife's perspective, and wanting her to be happy. But there are some facts here that can't be ignored:

1. Your wife pursued this relationship without your knowledge or consent
2. She is expecting you to work through these issues after the trust has already been violated. The time for those discussions was *before* she kissed this other person.
3. "Everyone agreed that if this turned out to be too painful for me, then they could shut it down" - this feels gaslight-y to me. This conversation should have been had before the relationship ever began. It should never fall to the monogamous person to "be okay", this puts you in a position of being responsible for their happiness, which is entirely unfair. You should have had an opportunity to voice your needs before being put into this situation.

I am fully supportive of polyamory when it is healthy and consensual. However, I get the impression that you have been backed into a corner on this issue without your consent. You've already stated that you are monogamous and uncomfortable with the whole situation. For her to ask for your support while she grieves this other relationship is entirely unfair. I do not think it would be cruel of you to take a step back from the situation. It's entirely up to you whether you choose to continue the relationship or not, but please do not take the burden of healing her upon yourself. It was reckless at best and cruel at worst for her to put you in this situation, and it is not your responsibility to heal her broken heart. She made the choices she made, and it's important for you to take the steps you need to be okay.
I love this response. Awesome advice.
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