I have this thing I call it mental disease.
Its like this form of OCD phones hypersensitivity
paranoia delusions all in one. It started out when I was little I always had to get the last word or it would bother me. Then by third grade my younger brother would play this "game" tap me say I got you and run off. It started torturing me. I was in misery until I tapped him back. By third or fourth grade I had specific OCD on objects. All objects that I touched I had to get revenge by tapping them perfectly a certain number or it tormented me. Everything I stepped on touched or it dropped on me came in any contact with me. By eight grade this specific OCD focused on people. It started choosing people I lived with for no reason. After eight grade it choose my younger brother who is 3-4 years younger and it's been on him for four years. My mind twists things. The root is I must always pay back. But the weird thing is it's just that specific person mostly for no reason. They cannot touch me. If I think they "might" have touched me I have to do compulsions. They can't touch anything connected to me. Such as touching a door which is touching a bookshelf which is touching a bag which is touching me. I cannot touch their belongings. I cannot touch anything that might belong to them. Such as crumbs stains little things on the walls floor objects. I cannot use the bathroom can't shower can't get food I can't even touch the walls of my room. In the car I cover my body with a hoodie hood over my head pants socks shoes every inch of skin so I don't touch the unknown of the car. I also think things are offensive as if I know the person's intentions. My beliefs of what's offensive are usually things other people don't think are. One way to get out of compulsions is to question. I repeat ask my parents and older brother things such as " was ____ connected to me or anything on me?" Were you in this place from such time to such time and you were watching this this this and everything about this this this and you were looking at the clock as well that whole time? It's destroyed my family everyone's always yelling at me mad frustrated. My compulsions consist of either questions or going in my younger brother room to poke his blanket which is connected to his skin called "sub direct". Direct rituals are worse which consist of touching his hand directly. I lose sleep and it's so much torment and agony no words can describe the pain and nothing and nobody can help me once OCD attacks. I have a valid reason to commit suicide. Everybody thinks it's simple. I have tried. Over fifteen Medications. Nothing. Hospitals nothing therapy nothing counseling nothing vitamins nothing praying nothing others praying nothing casting out demons nothing healing place nothing fasting nothing attempted to expose myself it came back again nothing. It's an addiction and there's nothing I can do. Even when I think of doing exposure i know it will just come back again like the last time I tried. I got a job to try and leave my house to avoid my pho is of a sibling whatever it is don't have enough money to get a place still and now I don't have time for school and I'm behind four months. Nothing just nothing. Does anybody know anybody who has something like this? What is this? I don't even know where the belief about offense came from either.