Hello, I am caught in something and perhaps someone knows what it is called.

I was abused by my family, and in fear I "went along with it", meaning I smiled when they were abusing me because it was safest way and I didn't know what else.

I suppose I could also abuse myself and then we could all play the game together.

A part of me is also stunned and shocked and terrified that they are abusing me .... like I can't even believe it. I am shamed that they chose me to abuse. And that itself is shame. Like I have been singled out to be crushed, and I am ashamed because they chose me.

And I am so shocked by it all I literally can't speak.

These things are making me really stuck in them and I can't undo it, because I sort of stuck in a trap of strange conflicting feelings.

Anyway, what is the name of these particular types of dynamics and traumas, it would help me to look it up.

Thanks