I sacrificed everything to almost constantly study school work in hopes of a better future. No one told me that everyone else I knew was using study drugs, such as Adderall, Meth, and Cocaine to get ahead. Now that I am 40 years old, I was prescribed Adderall/speed for the first time and now I can work several times faster and do better work. Had I received this sooner, I probably would have been in Harvard at age 15 (skipping details).

Now, every time I sit down to study, it just reminds me that everyone else took a short cut, drugs, and no one cared about me enough to tell me that I was wasting away my life without this secret. I can no longer study without cutting, burning, punching, giving myself concussions, and resisting the urge to rip my entire face off and just slice my carotid. I hate my life and what it's become, but would feel guilty about dying. Please provide guidance if you can. (I tried an inpatient program but it only made things worse. There was no talk therapy or helpful advice at all. I only lost freedom there and became more suicidal. I am also in school and getting put away in the wrong place or taking the wrong medication would make things worse. On one hand, I hope there is a solution, but on the other my impulses are so strong that I have injured myself several times a day and it's getting worse. For some reason no one is even saying hi this year and I have no idea why I am unwelcome in this world and have always been.)