Lostandconfused82,

I am sorry you are anxious and may lose him but since children are involved, it may be a blessing that you are recognizing that things are not right before the relationship goes any farther. I think you should part ways or he should be willing to commit on working on his issues just as you have. (Good for you for recognizing that you anxiety. I hope you are working on that issue too just like he also seems to have terrible mood swings he needs to work on in addition to depression.)

I have children and my 20s who are struggling in some ways and reading this quote from an article today (Are Children "Geiger Counters" of Their Parents' Emotions? Children are incredibly attuned to parents’ emotional communication.) was devastating for me:

Now for the study which is the subject of this post. First, however, a bit of background: Psychological problems in kids are roughly divided into externalizing behaviors and internalizing behavior. The former is basically acting out: doing poorly in school, being hyperactive, being oppositional, getting into fights, throwing tantrums and the like.

The latter refers to things like anxiety and depression. Either way, today, kids who have any of these problems are in danger of being labeled with brain disorders such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, and even "oppositional defiant disorder," which is basically bratty behavior. And of course there is "conduct disorder," which used to be called "juvenile delinquency."...

A developmental psychologist, E. Mark Cummings, summed up quite nicely the type of results that this literature routinely shows. He was quoted in a recent article in The Atlantic (How Passive Aggression Hurts Kids - The Atlantic) that described a recent study (Davies, P. T., Hentges, R. F., Coe, J. L., Martin, M. J., Sturge-Apple, M. L., & Cummings, E. M. (2016). The multiple faces of interparental conflict: Implications for cascades of children’s insecurity and externalizing problems. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 125(5), 664-678).

“Children are like emotional geiger counters,” said E. Mark Cummings, a professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame who has conducted extensive studies on the effects of marital discord on kids for more than 20 years. Children, he explained, are incredibly attuned to parents’ emotional communication with each other; they’re keenly aware that, for their parents, nonverbal expression is key to communicating feelings.

For many couples, holding onto a grudge—smoldering but not letting a disagreement erupt into a fighting match—may seem like the best way to deal with a conflict. But research shows this kind of discord can significantly interfere with a child’s behavior and sense of emotional security. When exposed to prolonged unresolved conflict, kids are more likely to get into fights with their peers at school and show signs of distress, anger, and hostility. They may also have trouble sleeping at night, which can undermine their academic performance. In fact, according to various studies that measured children’s emotional responses to interparental hostility, disengagement and uncooperative discord between couples has shown to increase a child’s risk of psychological problems, including depression, anxiety, social withdrawal, and aggression."

I was a devoted parent in many ways and so was their dad but the fact that I hate confrontations and never felt like I properly aired out some of the grudges I had concerning major decisions I caved on (or perhaps was just powerless to change his ways) majorly impacted my children. Since then, we have worked many things out and do love each other but parenting while enduring the feeling I had no power to deal with my husband candidly (it mostly came from low self esteem) may have caused them a lot of damage. Though you sound like you love him--let him go if you don't get all these bad feelings resolved or if he cannot get his bad feelings about you resolved. We sometimes are sexually and emotionally attracted to people who also upset us for various reasons. You have to figure out if it can be resolved somehow. If it can't be and you stay you will be so sorry, guilty etc. because you will see the results play out in you children's lives later. I hope I am wrong but I fear our anxieties, etc can have terrible effects on our children. The are only young for a while and they are precious. Keep that in perspective and you can truely love after accepting yourself from within and only being with people who accept you for who you really are.