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Old 11-20-2018, 06:30 AM
KR2018 KR2018 is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: bay area
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KR2018 KR2018 is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: bay area
Posts: 18

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Default Re: My Heart Whispers in the Wind...

Thank you yes I am the author. The biggest frustration for me with this depressive illness is that I do have so much love in my life. I have amazing supportive loving family and friends. Iím well aware of how fortunate I am to have the love that surrounds me. I donít have a husband boyfriend or children. But I do have love. What tortures me is when the depression takes over this mind and the heavy crushing leaden blanket of that horrid sinking misery feeling that convinces you death is the solution. It builds this dense wall around me cutting me off from reality and those I love so dear. It has me believing those lies that Iím a burden to others and all alone. It gets to the point where I canít feel the gratitude the love the joy the connection the alivenss and the sense of worthiness. And Iím well aware of how much worse my life could be, Iíve worked as a mental health provider for years with people with horrible histories of trauma, severe mental illness and incarceration etc. Then I get this guilt because I know how much support love I do have yet the depression distorts this mind so much that I lose the ability to feel the appreciation, gratitude the love and then life seems pointless cruel and dreadful. Yet something in me keeps trying. The loving support people in my life are what has kept me alive. But it gets scary at times because sometimes the depression gets so bad that even all that love starts to lose out gets severed by the demon and I canít really feel it anymore. My
Mind is fantastically talented at creating dramatic misery. Yet again thereís some part of me that keeps hoping searching for the space of awareness and finding a peace with the depression. Iíve tried so many treatments, 30 different meds ECT TMS ketamine and lots of psychotherapy. But despite feeling so defeated and lost, thereís some life in me that keeps breathing and moving. So I continue to try even if many days just feel like Iím just existing not really living. For their love I keep searching for peace. I donít know what else to do anymore.
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