After being diagnosed and getting that initial finding out my diagnosis and having everything explained to me I did what most people do. I did some research and went looking for the movies and books. how they described everything was so out of this world and not in a good way. everything left me with more fears and questions. I kept finding things that were like me then later finding out that what the directors, actors, and authors were doing was incorporating into their works what they their self found on the internet. when I contacted these people none of them could go beyond to the real thing to answer my question. many just quoted others thesis/ research analysis papers. none could actually tell me from first hand experience how dissociation works, why me, and what was going to happen when integration actually happened. I was scared and my being dissociated most of the time reflected this.

I joined so many mental health websites on the internet, all of which contradicted what the last one said and I still could not find anyone that could go beyond what was found on the internet and in books and movies. No one could tell me exactly how a person physically and mentally dissociates, what happens beyond the diagnostics for DID and what exactly happens physically and mentally when someone goes through integration. Like a fish out of water I was flopping around trying to figure things out and everything was just so confusing. even those that were DID on the world wide web could not describe things to me on a more personal level. I kept getting links to other websites and research but no one was doing the kind of work that I was doing of going beyond the common widely known.

Finally I shared with my treatment providers what I was looking for. My therapist looked at me and said... be careful what you wish for, you may not like what you find out, and the truth in this situation is actually less mysterious then most people think. If you really want your answers I can help you with that. We have A/V equipment. We can start recording your sessions. This way you will see for yourself what having DID is like beyond what you find in books, movies and the internet.

How and why you became DID that is going to take a lot of research and study on your part. you start by learning about the brain, its physical parts and how they function. you will have to learn and know things like right and left hemispheres, frontal lobes, cerebral cortex, cerebellum, brain stem, lots of technical medical and mental information. Are you ready to "go back to school"?

I agreed to having my sessions recorded and the next semester one of my classes I enrolled in was a neuro biology class. Entering that class was a bit of a challenge. I had none of the pre required classes. In order to be in this class I had to meet with my college advisor and the class instructor and explain the circumstances of why I was trying to get into a 3rd year class for medical students. After jumping through some hoops I was part of the class roster. not only was I a psychology major I was now entering into the world of medical fields of study. It was not easy by any means. my life revolved around transcribers and memorizing terms and how this works and how that works and this is connected to that. my therapist, psychiatrist and medical doctors were all great at helping me to understand everything that I was learning. Soon not only was I learning because i had questions about my mental disorders, but I was also learning because I found it all to be so fascinating.

please dont take this as in you have to take medical classes. you dont for integration. I just had questions that I needed answers to and that was what I did to find my answers.

you also do not have to be recorded during your sessions. this was the solution I found for my questions.

these two things we incorporated into my therapy work.