Quote:
Originally Posted by Dnester
1) started when my daughter was 6 or 7
2) I didnt grow up in a house that was strict about sex but I did explore with peers[ sexually and my mom freaked out after I didnt handle it well and starting doing obscene things and she took me to an orphanage and said get better or get out. I was aware that my father was sexual with my mother in a violent way because I saw bruises or her inner thigh. One day when I was 10 o r 11 my dad told me my mom didnt want to have sex with him anymore and i was like ookay.
3) not thst i remember
4) not thst i remember except a little snippet of a flashback of my father forcefully kissing me but thats all i remember
5) pee and poop but not to the degree of semen.
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Well, I'm not a psychologist, but your phobia may have something to do with how your parents reacted to your emerging sexuality. Your mother pretty much threatened abandonment over it, you were aware of your father's sexual violence towards your mother, and your father vented his sexual frustrations to you at a young age. Sounds like a recipe for some negative feelings about sex.
Could it be that the obscene things you mentioned only "seemed" obscene because your mother made you feel so badly about it?
Your phobia beginning when your daughter was about 7, might have been some kind of protective reaction towards her, since she was getting closer to the age when she would be exposed to peer pressure regarding sex. It is difficult to know how relevant your daughter is in all this, but she very well could have been some kind of trigger. Old, painful feelings will sometimes hide for years, until some kind of catalyst brings it to the surface.
Anyway, this is all guess work here. You could find a good therapist (of the psychoanalysis variety) to talk with about this in more depth, so maybe you will get to the heart of what is making you feel this way. Or, you are welcome to continue talking with me about this if you want. I would just keep asking more questions, so we can maybe narrow it down further.