Was a bit early but T still was ready right away. We went to his room, both were quiet for a while. I said he'd have to write me a new prescription. He answered that he'd already prepared it. Then he asked how my week was. I said it had been quite stressful, especially searching a job. I have applied for too many positions. Now I have to decide which one I'd like, and that's hard. Some of the companies do something a bit more related to physics, but all of them have large offices with a lot of people per room. And one company is a bit less interesting, but I'd only have to share my office with two or three people, which sounds nice. Plus their coffee machine is great.

He asked me which companies I had already visited. I have seen one of the large ones already and will have an introduction to their software in a few days. The small one I already know because my partner works there too. "Is that not a problem? Do they know you're together?" Yes, they know, most of his co-workers have met me during company events. It didn't seem to be a problem, and the interviews went really well too. They asked a few technical questions, I didn't know some of the things they asked about, but when I mentioned I didn't know the language in which their examples were written, they said they think I could easily learn it. Everything sounded quite positive.

We went quiet. I said there had been a newspaper article a few days ago about . I was annoyed by it. T asked why. I said normally these things don't bother me. Reading about it or seeing pictures. But that time it did. Mostly because it was badly written. The article made it seem like it's a problem only 15 year olds have. He answered other people struggle with this too, older ones. He also said that nowadays the media talks more about this topic, probably because there are statistics that document stuff now. I got a bit mad about that, saying that it already existed in the past, so why treat it differently now.

Then I mentioned reading a bit more about mindfulness. But I'm still not really that far into it, I'm trying to take my time. After a bit of silence, he asked me what I was thinking about right now. I said I'm sad. T asked what the mindfulness said about sadness, but I couldn't answer that, I had just started doing this stuff. He said I should just say what I'm feeling physically and mentally. I mentioned that my back hurts and that I'd like to cry. He said I should just go with how I feel right now, try to really feel all the emotions that come up. I started crying. We sat in silence while I cried. After a while, he asked whether it was okay that he didn't say much and I nodded.

A bit later, he asked whether I was holding anything back. I nodded again. He said: "You know you shouldn't do that here." I started crying even more, probably loud enough for the other clients and therapists in the office to hear. T reminded me to concentrate on my breathing whenever that started to be too quick. At some point he asked me what my thoughts were currently. I answered that I have lots of memories from the past coming up. He wanted to know whether we should focus on one of them, but I said they are changing too much and quickly for me being able to make sense of it. I continued crying for a while.

At some point he instructed me to sit more upright, which I did. He told me to focus on my feet touching the floor and my legs touching the chair. Then he asked whether I wanted to look at him. First I only looked at his shoes. I saw him lower his head a bit the way he does it every time when I try to look at him. When I managed to look up, he smiled and nodded. I managed to look at him two more times, I think.

Then, I mentioned being scared that he'd be mad. He asked whether he was. I said no, but whenever I cry people get mad. He mentioned that it's important for me to realize that he's nod mad, to feel that. I replied I'm upset that I can't talk properly. I have all these thoughts and would love to just tell him everything. But somehow it just doesn't work. He said how that's okay and that he's there with me, trying to sit through all my feelings and experiences. That I share stuff sometimes and that we can go as slow as I want to.

I cried a bit more, then he said we'd have to wrap up. I started gathering my stuff while he got up to go copy my prescription. After that, we confirmed our usual appointment on Friday and said good bye.