He tried to work out what was on the t shirt I was wearing. I said Toshiro Mifune, my favourite actor. I said the shirt a character from Seven Samurai and asked if he had seen it. He said he didn't think so but he saw the original I was like "this is the original!" I don't think it's ever been remade so I don't know why he thought I was talking about a remake. I told him how much I love Kurosawa films. And Mifune in particular. Though something in his manner kind of reminds me of my late ex.

I told him I needed to talk about the shame I felt last session. I said sometimes I feel toxic and like he doesn't deserve to have to deal with me. As I said that I teared up. He asked me to explore that, to see what's underneath it. I tried but I just couldn't.

I said there was something I wanted to tell him that I think is linked to/a result of the shame last session, but that I couldn't. I had been googling him and found some pictures of him at conferences and I also found out his middle name from a register he is on. But I couldn't tell him that so I was arguing with myself about it, but only verbalising one half of the argument. So I was like "but the shame coming up in the relationship is important, it exists to be worked through" then sitting there silently while the other part internally said " what if he rejects you? He's reacted badly before.". I told T I was having an internal battle. He said "Yeah you keep interrupting yourself" I told him he was only hearing one half of the argument.

I said I didn't want to ignore or dismiss the part of me that didn't want to tell him. He said "I wonder what its purpose is" I said "to protect me from rejection". T said "that sounds like a laudable purpose"

I said "I've been googling you a lot and I think it's because I feel shame anyway and this perpetuates that cycle." I told him what I had found.

T said his hunch is that the shame is from a very long time ago and so it feels unreachable. His sense is that this is me trying to bring the shame into the here and now. I said "so we actually have something to work with" he said "exactly.".

I asked him for his response to what I told him. He thought for a while and was smiling. He said it makes him think about the dualism of wanting to be seen and not wanting to be seen, and said he is smiling because it reminds him of a conversation he had about that on Monday.

I was quiet and he asked where I had gone. I said I felt like he had gone straight to some other abstract time and place because it was safer than talking about his response to me. That I think it means there's somethung in his response to me that he wants to avoid.

He was quiet. I said "it doesn't matter". He said "it does matter." He said "I have two responses. I quite enjoy the attention of you searching for me online, and also I'm worried that you'll find something I'll wish you hadn't found. He said "and you're right. It was easier for me to talk about something from another time and conversation".

I was quiet. He asked what I was thinking. I said I want to split the atom. There's probably no point. He asked what I wanted to find in the atom. I said whether he didn't want me to find something because of its impact on me, or because of him. He said both, that he is worried about hurting me, and he is also worried about me finding something he might be ashamed of (though he doesn't know what that could be). He said he thinks the shame is happening between us in the room.


T tilted his head, smiled with his eyes and said "this must be really hard going for you. How are you doing?" I said "it is hard going".

We looked in each other's eyes for a long time. I said "that felt like the bit of us being roped together climbing a mountain (an ongoing metaphor) where you give me a hand up and hold onto me." He nodded. He said he noticed what hard work it was for me boring the footholes in the rock one-by-one.

We looked at each other for ages again. I asked if I could hold his hand. He gave me his hand. It was cold. I held it for a while and it got warmer. I looked at him and said "you know I love you".

We sat back and sat in silence again. With 5 minutes to go he said he hopes it's okay if he asks about my busy week. So I told him. I told him it's the competent me that he never sees and that I miss that he doesn't see it. I said "I know you're proud of me anyway though". He said "I am". He said he would quite like to see something I had done online but only wanted to look if I sent him the link, which was up to me. He said he wouldn't search for it. I said I appreciate that.

We stood up and hugged and I left.