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Rive1976
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Member Since Mar 2018
Location: USA
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Default Nov 24, 2018 at 12:28 PM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightNotes View Post
I think that something happened to trigger these feelings. If you did not always feel this way, then either something triggered repressed feelings to come up from childhood or something happened during your marriage that upset you or repulsed you in a big way. It is most likely one of those things, and they are probably both connected in some way.

You told me earlier that this seemed to begin when your daughter reached the age of 7 or 8. So, it is possible that there is some connection between her age and painful memories from your childhood, and something about the sex with your ex-husband was the catalyst to begin whatever is going on here. I'm just guessing at this though.

We know these things for sure:

1) You are disgusted by body fluids, mostly from the other person.
2) You feel that people using others for their own physical pleasure is animalistic.
3) You did not have the above feelings at the beginning of your marriage.
4) These feelings of repulsion began at the end of your marriage or when your daughter reached the age of 7 or 8.

In my opinion, the best way to explore this is to first think back to your marriage, and find the trigger(s) that began all this. This is not easy of course. But maybe if you write down for yourself the chronology of how things went downhill in your marriage, and the feelings associated with this, every step of the way, then more might become revealed to you. Think of it as writing a memoir of your past marriage and how it went bad. How did you feel about him and what you experienced together throughout your marriage? How did it change over time? How did you feel when you became pregnant and gave birth to your daughter? How did your intimacy change over time in your marriage? Those are just examples to get started. Basically, I think you should work backwards in time, and this is a good place to begin, since something changed during your marriage and triggered these feelings of repulsion. Either they were uncovered from the past, or they were created during the marriage.
The thing is, is I dont know if these is just Ocd. I didnt even know what semen was until I was 14. Then at 17 I had my first sexuaxl exprrience. I craved sex with my fiance at the time he always wore condoms but I did take showers immediately after if I could but I wasnt really obsessed with being contaminated. Then at the beginning of my marriage I wasnt obsessed with that at all. Then it was like a flip switched. I began freaking out if he touched me down there that he was contaminated parts of my body with my bodily fluids and his. Then I just started freaking out my daughter might touch his semen. I would put a sheet down. Limit certain contact and acts. It was a waste of time. A chore really. He barely ever took the effort to do anything for me unlike my prior fiance. I got tried of being begged for sex. I did not want him to make any facial expressions showing enjoyment but it was ok with me if I did. I used to make him cover his face with a pillow. Then other times I wanted him to say dirty things to me. It really hit me about 2 years ago that sex was really animalistic ( i have been sex free and divorced for 6 years) but I do watch porn sometimes. I am really all over the place. I have thought well maybe I would be better off with a woman but I dont really want to be a lesbian. I am attracted to women though. Since I was around 8 thats been the case. Its mainly mother figure types though. Counselors, teachers, etc. She thinks my mom may have abused me. Anyway I asked her about freaking out about my daughter touching my husbands semen. She said I could just be feeling overprotective of my daughter but why though?. Im so confused. Thanks for talking to me. You are really helping.
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