Okay, I'm throwing in my two cents, you sound a lot like me when I finally separated from my ex.
I too would have tossed around the disclaimers, the excuses for his behavior, the I probably deserved it because...and then, after we separated-and yes that hurts for a while. It does, but, you get over it. After we separated I started reading about codependency.
I wouldn't have when we were in the relationship, because I thought co-dependants were sad sacks who couldn't stand up for themselves.
I was wrong.
I was in an abusive relationship and didn't even accept that I had been. I refused to accept that I had been a survivor of an abusive relationship.
But here you are, telling us he's pushed you, said mean things to you, used you, and that you're willing to settle for this rather than be alone.
Well, friend, being alone is NOT the worst thing that can happen.
The worst thing is when the fights get nastier, and no amount of reconciling or forgiving or pretending makes it go away. And you are given tiny crumbs of affection for agreeing to participate in it, and you are OK with that.
But, its your choice, and your life. If you want to find out for yourself, you can. We can't stop you.
However, since your here you must know that we're all here for a reason, because we've been through some stuff, and we know from experience.
Also, I have been alone for a long time, and it really IS better to be alone than to live like that.