Hello all, new here. I’m a 21-year-old in college and have, over the past year or two, come to deeply resent my sexuality (among other issues that I would like to seek a therapist’s advice for). Nothing online has described my situation to my liking, so here I am.

My father–and any male figure for that matter–left my life when I was 5. It has only been recently that I appreciate the impact this has had. I was agnostic to it as a kid (perhaps repressing it without knowing?). I was no younger than 12 when I realized that I liked boys aesthetically. I had a few minor gay experiences around then and soon began to watch gay porn and read gay stories, which I enjoyed despite my guilt for doing so. Occasionally, I would add women to the mix, and do find women attractive, but am more selective and type-oriented in my taste.

At 15, I accepted my sexuality, and even came out to my parents. It went very badly, but I was satisfied internally, and the issue slowly fell away externally. If it matters, it was at this time that I began to casually hook up with older men and others that I found repulsive. With each hook up, I realized a certain revulsion. Not only in an aesthetic or physical manner, but in my psyche as well. Intense bouts of depression and disgust with myself followed every encounter without fail. (This is why I have since stopped and do not intent to “relapse,” so to speak.)

Today, I actually feel better than I ever have in some ways. I’m goal-oriented and have a positive outlook most days, am doing well career- and school-wise, and have generally fine relationships with my small family and friend circle.
But I cannot imagine myself dating a man any longer, or even having sex with one. I long more and more for the relationship with a woman that I’ve never had, or even tried. I want a wife and kids and have this innate desire for a nuclear family almost to the point of self-flagellation. It certainly feels that way on a daily basis.

I don’t know if this is truly me, or who I truly am. And you can imagine the predicament of having gone through hell only to end up back where I “naturally should.” None of this is for religious or societal reasons, by the way. If that were the case, why would I have gone through hell at 15 in coming out.

I feel attractive and am fit and generally confident. But this confidence ends when I consider a girlfriend rather than a boyfriend. I don’t feel nearly good enough for a woman. I must be ugly, I tell myself, or not fit enough, or ill-prepared given my lack of experience with women despite my age. Not to mention I do have some feminine traits, which borderline haunt me. My voice not being stable or manly enough, or my walk, the way I move my arms. Not to mention the anxiety in my own head. How could she like me, she must see or feel my supposed gay-ness, after all.

What am I to do? Go back to the drawing board? Pursue the girl I like?

Sorry for the long-form rambling. If there is anything that I missed that would help, let me know. Thanks.