Thread: Grieving
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seesaw
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seesaw grieving
 
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Default Nov 28, 2018 at 08:46 PM
 
I posted about this elsewhere...my sweet little rescue dog is going to die. Hopefully not before Christmas...but it's bad. He's very sick.

I took him in for shots before Thanksgiving. He was running a fever and there were other signs. We did a CBC and found his platelets and white blood cells were obscenely low. He was put on a strong antibiotic with the thought it was a tick-born illness. We rechecked after Thanksgiving, geez, I can't believe it was just yesterday that we rechecked and this has all happened so fast. He had lost a significant amount of weight in that week. And the CBC was even lower. So the antibiotic did nothing.

We immediately went to a specialist. A whole bunch of tests later, he has aggressive lymphoma. For a variety of reasons that I'm not going get into, we are not going to do chemotherapy. We also don't know yet if it's T cell or B cell, so we don't know if chemo would even be helpful. He's on prednisone for now, and that will fight the cancer. But not for long and the cancer will eventually beat the prednisone. At most we're looking at 6 months...probably not even that long.

I'm a wreck. Not coping well. This poor dog has been through so much. He's tried so hard for me to recover from his abusive past. He's only 3. He's still a baby. He's afraid of the world, agoraphobic. He only trusts me, will only let me pet him. He was too afraid to relieve himself for the past 24 hours at the vet's.

I'm just falling apart with this. I can't make sense of it. It's unjust and unfair. There's no rational explanation. He doesn't deserve it; he didn't get it because I didn't take care of him. I can't blame anyone, not even myself. And the sad thing is that my sweet boy, who has already suffered so much, will have to suffer a bit more before the end. And I will have to grieve this little boy that I love so much.

He changed my life. He gave me my sleep back. I have a service dog, but this guy was just a pet. But even so, he was a natural alerter and would actually alert a few seconds before my service dog. He's a master cuddler. Never had a dog cuddle like he does before. And he's too cute for words. Everyone says so.

I'm so sad beyond belief and description right now. I've been crying for 2 days straight now...and I don't know when it will stop.

Seesaw

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What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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