I’m not even sure how to explain what happened today, but I left feeling relieved and uplifted which is not usual for me. I’m aware that it takes a while for things to sink in with me, so maybe I’ll feel differently in a day or a week. For today, he seemed genuine and like he really cared about how I feel and I couldn’t help but be touched by that.

I had sent him an email saying I was still bothered by how he abruptly and unilaterally decided to stop email replies and I went into detail about how it felt for me and why it still stings sometimes. I wasn’t fishing for an apology but I appreciate that he took ownership of how the email fiasco went down and he seemed sincere when he said he F’ed up (I’ve never heard him swear before) and that he did not want for me to have the experience of feeling like the rug was pulled out from under me which we both know has been a common experience for me in the past. He said I can’t feel safe if I’m waiting for that to happen.

I believe that his intention for stopping replies was good even if his method was not ideal. He said he felt like his replies were enabling something that felt unhealthy. I do strangely feel better and more present in our sessions since he stopped replies, but I may still need to process the black & white way of looking at email responses as good or bad. He compared email responses to hugs which I thought was interesting because I’ve never asked for one, but know from this forum that that can be a huge deal for some people. I’m assuming he wouldn’t give hugs and I wish I could remember what his reasoning was, but I can’t. I guess I can accept that he’s human and has flaws and in a way that might be better for our relationship. Today he showed me that he is willing to be patient, allow me to express criticism and not get defensive. He took me seriously.

It felt genuine when he said that he reads my emails multiple times and believes that what I have to say is insightful and thoughtful and important. He always remembers even small details of what I’ve written many weeks ago and that always catches me off guard and I’m touched by that. Although I’m still a bit sad about not having email responses, this is much more meaningful to me than an email response.

I asked him if it bothers him that I’m always so skeptical and doubtful of therapy and always tell him how hard it is to come to sessions and occasionally talk about quitting or finding a new T. I said that in the rest of my life I’m actually upbeat and positive so this was weird for me. He said yes, he is affected by that and is not used to having that response from clients, but is glad that I’m honest and transparent with him and that we should continue to explore why therapy often feels so hard for me. After I left I felt relief which was a nice feeling to have for a change. I hope it lasts.