T yesterday. He said "hey" quietly as I walked past him, and I said "Hi." Went back and sat down. Me: "I brought a list of things to discuss. I'm not sure where to start. I guess I could start with last session/the email. Or I could just update you on other stuff first."

I mentioned pelvic ultrasound I'd had Tuesday (as ovarian cancer screen--my mom had it) and how the radiologist had been very open with what she was seeing, so I wasn't as concerned as last time, so would just wait for results. (He seemed confused about my having one, even though we'd discussed it a week ago, but seemed to remember when I referenced something from that discussion). I said how also, H had heard this morning that there wouldn't be layoffs on his team. T said that was good, must be a relief, I said yes.

I mentioned last session. T: "I got that sense that was a conversation you wanted to continue." Me: "Yes." I said I'd thought more about his comment that maybe it wasn't so much ex-MC himself I missed, but the feeling I got from him. And how that seemed accurate. I said something about him abandoning me, then corrected myself: "I mean, I guess he didn't technically abandon me. He was still willing to keep seeing us, it's just that some of the boundaries had changed." T: "That suggests even more that it was the feeling rather than the person. If it was just about ex-MC, then you would have been content to just keep seeing him." Me: "That's a good point...After the phone call a year ago, it was like I didn't have the same feeling from him anymore. I kept trying for a few months to get it back, but it was just gone...So I didn't feel I could continue." T: "And I imagine if you were to pick up seeing him again, it wouldn't feel the same to you because of what happened." Me: "No, it probably wouldn't."

I said I'd kind of wanted to talk to H about the session Monday, but I got the sense that he didn't want to and explained why. I said maybe he felt weird talking about stuff with ex-MC, especially where it involved love. T: "So maybe you needed to talk to someone else about it then. Were you able to?" I said I'd talked to a couple friends that night, and it had helped some. Though the next night, a friend was in crisis and I wanted to help them through that and didn't want to talk about my stuff. I said how H was like "You're not responsible for them." But I said how they'd helped me with stuff and I wanted to be there for them, too. T: "You're a very caring person. It seems like you and H differ in how you feel about those sorts of things." Me: "Yeah...I want to help if someone needs it. And I have a history with some friends where I'd maybe be there for them in the middle of the night, and they'd be there for me. I think it's different for H."

I said how some friends' T's had really let them down this week and described what happened. Me: "So I know you say that you aren't going anywhere because I'm too much or something else related to me. But I guess I worry that something would happen unrelated to me, that you would move or decide that you want a more regular 40-hour-a-week job or that you want to just focus on sport psychology instead." T: "Any of those things could happen. Or I could get hit by a car." Me: "I understand that." (Thinking, way to reassure me there, T...)

Back to ex-MC. I said how part of what was difficult about the ending was that, before the rupture happened, I'd had this belief that I could have eventually just walked away from ex-MC, feeling I'd gotten what I'd needed. T: "Do you really think you could have just walked away?" Me: "I think? I mean, I guess he put the thing in my head about working through transference, where if I worked through it then it's like I'd be healed or whatever. So I felt like I wanted to do that. To reach a point where I just felt on my own like I could leave." T: "I don't know that you'd have been able to do that." Me: "Yeah...I mean, that's part of why I started seeing you, because I felt stuck. When ex-MC had canceled at the last minute that one week, and I'd thought I'd be able to wait till next week to see him but then got really upset. I mean, that was just a week, I'd be seeing him the next week. And like if I couldn't deal with that..."

Me: "And I thought a few times, maybe I just needed him to get mad at me, to act like a jerk to me, that would help me be able to step away. Though I didn't really want that. Then I guess it eventually happened, and it felt like sh**. But...I guess it did get me away from him, right?" T: "Yes. But I do wonder if you'd ever have left on your own otherwise." Me: "I don't know." T: "Because if you were still getting that feeling from him, wouldn't you have continued to want that feeling?" Me: "Yeah...I guess I just thought at one point, I'd be like, 'OK, my cup is full,' or whatever. But I guess... maybe not. Maybe I would have just kept wanting that feeling as long as I could have it." T: "Yes, I think so." Me: "But then...I know it wasn't a sustainable relationship."

T: "All relationships ultimately end, whether you die or the other person dies, or you drift apart or something else happens." Me: "...I guess that's true." T: "But that doesn't mean they're not worth having." Me: "Yeah. I mean I guess I could choose to just avoid getting in relationships to avoid getting hurt." T: "I don't think you'd be able to avoid them. Because of who you are." Me: "I think you're right. I'd still feel the need to pursue them." T: "Yes, I think you would. And I've worked with people who've chosen to just avoid relationships to keep from getting hurt. And they end up being very lonely. They may just end up with a few superficial relationships, but then something would happen where they need to rely on someone, like what happened with one of my clients, and they realize that they're alone." Me: "Yeah..."

Me: "So how do I deal with the fear of losing relationships? Is it about becoming strong enough in myself?" T: "Partly. I was thinking more that you have the knowledge that they're not going to last, but to have confidence that you'll be able to get through it when they do end. That you might feel sad and grieve, but know you'll get through it." Me: "I guess...I mean, I didn't think I'd survive leaving ex-MC. While I was seeing him, anytime I thought about leaving him, I'd start crying. But I guess I have survived that, though it's been hard. It's helping to process it with you, though."

T: "It seems difficult for you to mourn the relationships you've lost." Me: "Yes...actually, that makes me wonder...I think maybe sometimes I avoid mourning them. I just try to push them aside and move forward and don't really process it. Like my grandmother. Or my former best friend. I never really dealt with them. So then they come back and affect me at random times. Though I guess that's normal with grief in general." T: "Yes." Me: "But I guess I wonder...if I avoid grieving them, then maybe I feel like I can't handle a loss? Because I haven't been through the grieving process?" T: "That could be." Me: "So maybe it's why it's so hard for me to grieve ex-MC...but it's also really important for me to work through it. To understand that I *can* work through losses in the future."

Talked more about why ex-MC had such a strong effect on me. T: "He sensed this need in you and tried to do what he could to meet it." Me: "Yes...it's like he hit on all the receptors. Like maybe H can hit on a few of them or friends can, but he could hit all of them." I said how it could feel almost intoxicating. T: "That makes sense, it's why people say they use drugs, to get that perfect high." Me: "Yeah, and I mean...I would feel an actual physical reaction to sessions with him. Like a warm, fuzzy feeling that could last until the evening or the next morning. I'm not sure what it's from, like a hormone, like oxytocin maybe? The one that bonds parents and kids? It's not sexual, I know what that feels like. But...I also feel it sometimes with you, and that kind of scares me." (I stared at the floor for that last line.)

T: "Is it maybe optimism?" Me: "The feeling? I'm not sure it's that, like I said it's a physical feeling, too." T: "Or hopefulness?" Me: "Maybe? Again, it's also physical. Though hope fits more than optimism, because I think of optimism like 'Yay, everything will be OK.'" T said he thought optimism and hope meant the same thing. Me: "Yeah, this is the problem with working with an English major and copy editor..." Discussed a bit more, then I said, "Maybe it's feeling a connection?" T said that could be it, saying, as he's said before, how the relationship is considered the most important part of therapy and the best predictor of success. That it doesn't even have to be a particularly emotional connection, just a connection. Me: "Yeah, maybe the feeling is about the connection. Because I get something like that feeling with friends sometimes, too."

Talked about what I wanted and got from ex-MC. T: "I wonder if your mom would even be capable of giving that to you now." Me: "I don't know." T: "It would be something to give some thought to." Me: "And also, even if she could give it to me now, if I needed it when I was 6...would it be enough? Or could what ex-MC have given me ever have been enough?" T: "I don't know, but if you got it now with your mom, it could probably go a long way toward healing." Me: "Yes. Though I think with ex-MC, some healing happened. And a bit with you, too. I just don't think it's the same as if it happened when I was a kid." T wasn't sure about that. Was time to stop.

Confirmed schedule for next week. Me: "So...you're not planning on moving in the next few weeks, right?" T: "The next few weeks? Definitely not! Really I don't plan on ever moving at all." Me: "OK, good." T: "Just to let you know, I don't plan on taking any other time off next month. Like not around the holidays or anything." Me: "OK, good, thanks for letting me know that."

Went over to pay. T: "Are you feeling better?" Me: "You mean about the ex-MC stuff?" T: "No, your cold." Me: "Oh it was really my D who had one, I was just being careful in case I was a carrier." Shook hands as he said "Have a good weekend." Me: "You, too." T: "It's supposed to be 65 degrees on Sunday." Me: "Really? Wow." T: "Yes. Take care." Me: "You too."