Quote:
Originally Posted by lucami
It's 8pm here so I have to wait till tomorrow since it's public doc and I can't have his number, even if something would be happening.. I'm not surprised, when there's so many patients that my doctor stays 2-3h longer than his working hours, it must be really hard to monitor every patient for doctors like this one.. at least he's nice enough to stay and see every person that comes to his office..
I feel insane because of meds too.. I went to first psychiatrist because of panic attacks I had Everytime I was trying to go outside, but besides this I was feeling completely normal in my head. but when I tried first SSRI medication, I started to have depersonalization and derealization, feel suicidal, have intrusive thoughts, feel like possessed, ended up with depression and more.. haven't been taking any medication for a couple of years, but all of this stuff which meds caused , is still in my head..
I stopped crying , but I feel so much fear right now after this breakdown.. I feel like possessed, like I'm not myself at all, everything seems to be so strange.. and I have crazy thoughts, feelings, visualisations in my head of killing myself and everyone in flat.. psychiatrist said stuff like you're scared of it so you won't do it, therapist says I'm scared of it so I'm not a psycho and that he thinks that states like that are caused by my strong fear and anger I keep in myself but idk.. hang tight but I wonder hang tight to what heh..
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Okay, hang tight because you are moving towards recovery. It sounds like your thoughts of suicide and homicide are just the stress releasing itself. Sounds like I'm a doctor, haha. I am not. Okay...twice doctors tried putting me on antidepressants and it really made me feel totally insane.
But what you are on now...it isn't like an antidepressant. Maybe you are fighting against this medication?
Benzos worked beautifully for me. The only reason I stopped is because here in the United States doctors don't want to prescribe them because of possible dependency. I never got dependent. They reduced my anxiety. They were not overly sedating. But they were taken away from me.
Do you have a crisis hotline you can call? When I feel my emotions escalating I usually call a crisis hotline. If you are in central Europe I am wondering if you can call or connect with the Samaritans in UK. I think you can connect online.
Self hatred is something I wish you would let go of. Please try to be kind to yourself. Yes you have severe burdens but you also sound like an extremely intelligent self-aware person. You can do this. As for the Why? --- that is a mystery. People are dying left and right this very moment...but not you. You are surviving, communicating, hunting for solutions, expressing yourself, connecting --- you are doing a lot right now.
Why not tuck yourself into bed early? Sometimes when I have had a hard day I like to tuck into bed early, read, and count sheep. Sweet dreams. Hang in there. The Universe wants you alive, my friend.
