I know I need to change for things to change, but it's very painful, and to be honest, humiliating. Once I tell someone I am struggling and need help, I feel they think I'm giving them permission to control me, and when I don't listen because I feel I am being controlled (also because of fear and low self-esteem), which I hate, they become angry, and I become the arrogant and entitled. This is how I feel about help. I just need someone to listen and understand, not to give me orders on what to do. I don't have the emotional support. Maybe that's why I don't like seeking a professional help.