Friendships with women are definitely different than with men. [[For reference I'm female, 30, married, moved around a lot as a kid and about to move again lol and have had similar issues]].

Women tend to be more empathetic and are guided by their feelings moreso than guided by reward like men. Which could maybe help explain why boyfriends were so much easier to form relationships with as they were based off of gain (fron the guys perspective) and not connection (from a woman's perspective)?

[[I'm so sorry if I come off as rude! Not my intention at all, and I'm not judging. I'm sleep deprived rn so all my thoughts are coming out at once so please excuse any awkward ramblings LOL.]]

It definitely seems like you're guarded off the bat because of past experiences, and I'm sure most women pick up on this. So if you yourself don't seem care that much, and they feel that wall, it's not surprising you're having so much difficulty. Quite honestly the older we get, the less effort we put into other people and less energy breaking down non-family relationship walls.

One thing I've learned about anxiety, is that the symptoms aren't always like an anxiety attack but more like an automatic behavior. Like a destructive and irrational habit that one can't seem to break. It's not something you want to do and it's harmful, but yet your brain literally doesn't know what else to do or how to do it.

I think mindfulness and CBT would really help you with this issue. To be able to recognize, correct, and deflect how to interact in the moment. Basically help you relearn how to have relationships with females without your past experiences popping up sabatagoing you.

No reason to feel embarrassed, ashamed, or any other negative feeling btw! I personally totally get it, and don't believe it's as uncommon as you think.

I also don't think you're doomed to never have any irl friendship! This is definitely an issue that you can take control of with the help of your therapist. Could be a really awesome way connect with your female therapist also, and get the most of of therapy.

FWIW, I'm from a military family and we moved around a lot. Out of my family my mom and I (who both have anxiety and ADHD) were affected the most in the friendship department. I've noticed making friends gets more and more difficult as I get older, and my own mom gave up hope years ago. I'm very happy to say, at age 50, she has a female best friend for the first time in over 10 years!

Don't give up hope, it will take a lot of effort to overcome this, but it's definitely possible.