I used to journal but the problem is someone finding it, or fear of someone even finding it on my computer someday. Sometimes I write a few things out and then rip them up, making sure no one can read it. It helps. I suppose I'll get to accepting things, I still long for those crumbs of affection. That's what I really enjoyed, not sex, not material things, just being held and thinking I was loved.

I agree that I wasn't being too much suspicious considering the circumstances, about the wallet. It says something about myself though, I clearly didn't trust him. It's amazing to me what I'd stick with just to avoid being alone with myself. Thanks for the support, this community is so good to people. I'm still looking for ways to enjoy myself now.... depression is there, but it was there before too. I guess the times I did enjoy with him distracted me from the underlying emotions.