I actually did not realize the exact second / moment when one of my alters became one with me...I remember after the fact very well.

when i told someone that their reaction was ..... wait !! what? how can you not notice something so drastic as that?

Im sorry to disappoint that friend and those looking for that big bang moment of host holding hands and talking with their alters or death scene or huge shocking electric jolts stare into space, or overwhelming silence where is everyone moments that come in the movies, tv and books.

I did not have any of those or other problems that are popular on the internet and media that signal an alternate personality is in the act of integrating.

it was more a knowing what I previously did not know before.

I knew Rainy was no longer dissociated from me, and that everything she was and had in her was part of me now because I could do everything she did, I remembered everything that she could remember, I liked the same things that she liked, ....

it was just a calm knowing and realizing that I knew everything she did, no big thunderstorm, death scene or electric jolts, just a calm knowing.

I knew thelma was part of my own conscious personality because I enjoyed intimacy so much more, I now knew what she had kept dissociated from me. just a calm knowing.

I knew Red was integrated into my conscious personality by the fact that I could now feel angry and express anger.

this "knowing" is the same kind of knowing like if someone asked you "what is 1+1?" and you just know the answer is "2" or if someone asked you if you have ever seen the movie "wizard of Oz" you can very easily answer yes or no. the same kind of knowing it takes for a person to come on psych central and make a post or thread. you just know how to do it and write your post.

I know its a shock to discover its not a big bang moment at the end of therapy for me or others. it sure shocked me, and a friend of mine and others that I know have had their dissociated personality merge together to become one whole conscious personality.

to wrap your heads around this maybe reread your past posts here and notice when you have posted that you remembered something or an alter shared an emotion, event or memory with you. that information is now not dissociated any more. its now part of your conscious personality.

remember when i first started this thread I explained what a personality is..... a persons memories, emotions, behaviors, experiences, everything that makes up who and what they are.

any time my alters shared any thing with me, during those rare co consciousness moments that was integration, that information became part of my conscious personality, no longer dissociated, no longer accessible through switching into the mental and physical state of mind called dissociation.

could this ever be undone? you know like you see in movies, tv shows and books and where the integrated become unintegrated again... nope not for me anyway.

once something was shared with me or merged together with my conscious personality it could not be undone. the way my treatment provider explained to to me...

see this lemon, hold it, smell it, notice its bumps, shape. now lets have a slice, taste it. then she put the lemon in a box and said i want you to forget the lemon, forget that you held it, forget its smell, forget its bumps, shape and taste can you do that. of course not. its part of my memories and emotions and something I now know about.

then we talked for a bit and then unexpectedly she slammed her desk drawer that she had opened with out my realizing it. scare the what ever out of me, I felt numb and spaced out and a bit disconnected.

she asked me "tell me about the lemon" and I was fully aware and able to tell her about the lemon. she said to me a traumatic event just happened and you did not dissociate the lemon again. its part of your conscious personality for ever, nothing not even the traumatic event that first caused it to become part of the dissociated Alternate personality that held the memory of lemons and banging drawers could make it become unintegrated again.

it was now part of my conscious personality forever.