It is really sad. My own paranoia from mixed moods and mania have lost me lots of people over the years. I'm probably safer but definitely alone. Someone really wanted me to tell her that I loved her before and it felt like I was being handed the weapon I'd been stabbed with and told it was ok to use it on myself. Yikes that sounds messed up! But, it's how I felt. Love, the word, had been weaponized against me for years, because it was always followed with "but..." I don't want to feel it again. I say this, but have a date tomorrow. I almost don't want to go. But, I digress.
Maybe you need to work on you, become a better you in case of next time?