If I could do things over again, I would do them differently. I would try harder. I would buy you flowers more often. It would get to the point where you'd tell me to stop and you would ask me why I was doing that. I'd have to tell you I had this dream where you died, and in the dream I regretted not buying you flowers all the time while you were alive. And you wouldn't understand because wtf. But you would have to be where I am now to understand.

I've always felt such a compulsion to buy you flowers. It started very early in our relationship. I didn't act on it for almost a whole year. I can be a real coward at times.

Now, in retrospect, I wonder why I felt such a compulsion. A friend of mine laughed at me for obsessively wanting to buy my male therapist flowers. But I think it was a memory. If we meet again in the next life, I'll want to buy you flowers again. And, again, I wouldn't know why. But hopefully next time I'll act on it more quickly.