My Support Forums - View Single Post - C-PTSD & First Memory ...

Dec 12, 2018 at 03:14 PM

Many studies have proven that adults that don't grow up in trauma & abuse have a mostly intact, flowing life narrative, whereas those of us that grow up in trauma and abuse do not ... Instead we've got these disjointed fragments of memories due to the impact repetitive childhood trauma and abuse had on our brain's development.

I got to thinking about this, and started asking myself a series of questions trying to figure out when, where and how it (the trauma and abuse) started and kept feeling literally smacked in the face by my very first memory.

Possible trigger:

I was only a toddler (about 2-3 years of age) and my 2nd oldest brother (12-13 years of age) violently raped and sodomized me in the hallway bathroom ... The assault was so brutal that I still bear the scars below my bottom lip where my teeth burst through the skin as he slammed my face into something porcelain (disjointed fragment there) so it had to be either the sink, the toilet or the bathtub ... I do remember the coolness of the porcelain on my face oddly enough ... I also remember the strong odor of feces and have actually had olfactory flashbacks of that whenever I have an intrusive memory or flashback of the incident as a whole.

Now I know the "experts" state that we don't have memories at that early of an age, but I most certainly do, so they can take their "expert" opinions and stick 'em where the sun don't shine ... This isn't the only traumatic memory I have from such a young age, and I even distinctly remember the times I actually dissociated and watched the assaults from a remote distance such as the corner of the room or on a hill or by a tree depending if it was happening inside or outside that little house of horrors I grew up in ... I didn't know at the time what was happening because I was too young to put it into words I had yet to know, but it all certainly makes sense now!

How about you?

What is your very first memory?

How old were you at the time?

Is it a happy or sad memory (or confusing)?

Is it traumatic?

What impact do you think this has on where you are in life now?

If you participate in the discussion, please remember to utilize the trigger icon and/or brackets when applicable, and for the love of Pete (whomever that is), please do not judge, question or dispute another person's experience as that is not helpful and quite invalidating.