Last session of the year was interesting. We sat down and I immediately asked about scheduling, which R said was useful in terms of knowing where she was. I mentioned that the Critic had been vocal this week because it doesn’t like me seeking reassurance.
‘It doesn’t think you should seek reassurance?’
‘It doesn’t like me being open either.’
‘So the Critic doesn’t like me or this space, then?’
‘It prefers it when I pretend that everything is OK. You remember…you may not remember…’
‘Try me.’
‘You remember when I asked you for that Post-It note?’
‘Do you want me to write another one?’
‘Yes. Different wording this time… “You are safe” The Critic is chewing me out over asking for reassurance.’

We diverted into a discussion where I conceded that The Critic is a part of me, but I conceptualise it externally because it is easier to challenge that way. R also asked me what I got out of asking for the Post-It note.

‘I’m very happy to do it, I just want to know…’
I fought with the Critic for a bit before I eventually said: ‘It’s a touchstone. When I feel I am losing ground, I can look at that and feel..safer.’
R said she felt like she understood more.
We then moved into talking about the bathroom scene, and R said she felt anger from me. I confirmed that my shoulders were burning, and once again said that they knew what they were doing. R asked me more about the sensation in my shoulders, and I ultimately said that it isn’t mine, but I’m left holding it.

‘It’s not yours, but you are the one holding someone else’s ****?’

‘Yes, and I can’t put it down, otherwise it will explode. I have tried to suppress things before, and that doesn’t work.’

‘I didn’t want to tell you this, but…’

‘Somebody I met once told me that if someone says ‘but…’ you can ignore everything that comes before it. I am more mindful of when I use it now.’
I want to work more on physical sensations in the New Year. I had a dialogue with the Critic concerning comparison over Chris’ death, but couldn’t get the words out. R said she knew what I was trying to say. I talked about my memory of not being able to hold the cup I was drinking from because I was shaking so much.

‘The difference is feeling.’ R talked about appropriate information, and I responded with ‘There was no deluge! The things that happened one after the other, and the discovery of…I think there’s a similarity between “I didn’t want to tell you this, but” and “I don’t want you to freak out about it”…both deprived me of an emotional reaction. I think it’s fear, but I need to feel this.’
‘I am going to hold onto those two things… “The discovery of”, and “I think it’s fear”’

I mentioned that my shoulders were burning. She asked whether I had tried anything that eases that, and I admitted that I hadn’t.

I couldn’t connect with my feelings today, but R and I set some goals around cultivating emotional tolerance, expressing needs and continuing to explore the stuff.
She reminded me to take stock of how far I have come, and ‘Where you can, be kind to yourself’

‘I will….I will do my best.’