Hello all.

I am a male in my late 20s. I was in a serious relationship with a woman from age 19-23. Her father was verbally and emotionally abusive, and so were her previous partners.

I loved her very much, and we both grew up in with some Catholic guilt. A lot of my identity as a writer and lover of the arts has come from my alienation with sexuality. I drove the relationship into the ground with the typical characteristics of Retroactivity Jealousy, inexperience, and naivety. The relationship became very toxic. I am not proud of that time, but I really was in over my head.

Unfortunately my first sexual experiences with her were linked to a lot of these issues. Myself being raised from a very caring tough but also gentle father instilled respect, and her father and partners did not respect her.

During certain acts she would suddenly become very insecure or say that reminded her of this or that, and I would immediately stop. That hurt me quite a bit for many years. I was and am the farthest thing from those people who did those things. I know she didn't mean to have the effect it did, and generally she was very trusting and affectionate with me, but those things stuck and haunted me for years.

It was very hard to have this be the introduction to my sexuality, lacking trust for your partner and lover eventually led me to go down the rabbit hole of insecurity and jealousy. This lead me to not being a good partner and having her after years of trying to put up with my behavior to break up with me. I was fixated with that one component and couldn't see straight or enjoy anything else.

I moved very far away and finished my education while discovering the wonders of self medicating with alcohol. Unfortunately in college culture it is hard to know who is just partying, and who really has a problem and is using the time of it being "acceptable" to really hide a much bigger problem.

My drinking was not to become more socially confident or to be able to approach new women and have sex. I never actively was looking to date, and even the small flirtations or approaches from women freaked me out. A good night for me was listening to records alone for comfort and crying myself to sleep for feeling like a complete outsider in this life.

(Even though I rationally knew my life is pretty great. I have wonderful friends and family and I like to think of myself as a pretty good all around person who has value)

Later that year I met someone else in my field who I admired very much. We had a great connection and I decided maybe it was time to give love and intimacy a second go.

This as well turned out to be, a very dysfunctional situation.

We were only intimate for a week, a week that I wasn't totally comfortable about but figured this is what dating must be like regarding casual sex, and attempting to hold what we were doing to be more than what it really was.

I like to think I am pretty self aware and good at reading people, and the first night we really had sex I sensed that she was going through some things and using sex to numb her pain. I asked her more about her life and what she was going through, I genuinely cared and was concerned only to have her end up crying deeply before we did the act.

Again more tears and more pain linked to what I know of sex.

I would later find she was sexually active with many people at that time, and had somewhat deceived me about wanting to be exclusive with me.

I closed off my mid-20s with having another woman try to kiss me and take me back to her apartment only to not be able to do the deed.

After these experiences going on ages 24-25 it was very clear to me that I was not comfortable with sex, and afraid of intimacy. I was much more interested in being closed off, focusing on my career and myself.

I beat the alcohol at age 26 upon returning home and realizing it was harder to hide from my childhood friends, as well as becoming very sick and hospitalized as well as put on bedrest at home for a year (unrelated health issues to the drinking).

At age 27 I got a new job, moved to a new area, and was doing better then ever with self improvement and image. Everything was going smoothly, until I started to fall in love with an intelligent beautiful woman while traveling between two states for work. I admitted how much I liked her after being friends for half of a year and how I'd maybe like to try being more. Because of the distance and other factors she was unsure.

Fast forward 6 months later and we are now a long distance couple who make big efforts to see each other consistently, and love each other respectfully. To say I love you was a big leap for me, as I know where it has gotten me before.

To put it bluntly, if I ever were to get married, it would probably be to this woman. The amount of love, silliness, support, and understanding she has brought into my life is something I have never experienced. She is honest, grounded, intelligent, and knows what she wants.

She is not like the others at all.

If I could accept that functional relationships should not be your "everything" or imperative to your survive, but a mutually benefitting support system of care and respect that is the cherry on top of an already individual's stable life, I'd be doing much better.

ie as discussed on Actualized.org

The first time we had sex, I had some triggers, I lost my mind and went into a full panic attack and shook and cried the entire night. She held me.

I was mortified. Embarrassed. I had to drive to work the next day and figured that was the end. That I was doomed to live this pain the rest of my life. I figured she would be out the door as soon as possible, and if not, I would make every effort to get her out as soon as possible to run from this anxiety. That day I decided that I would fight this pain for both myself and the possibility of a better future for us.

Later we talked, she helped, she said I needed to get professional help. I said I would, but I didn't.

Over the last few months we have become closer than ever. Experienced so much together. Until recently I prodded at her past. She told me how much she loved a specific act with me that she never has before. It made me feel very special and happy, but I went down another road with it a day later. A cycle that is very clearly stated not to do on RetroActiveJealousy.com

It all came rushing back, the same feelings and insecurities. I spiraled. Shaked. Didn't sleep.

The fact that she had a time period in her life where she experimented with more casual sex and dating. Full well knowing that she is in love with me now in the present. Full well knowing she is so satisfied with me and loves to be intimate with me in a way she has never known before.

Fully aware that I am not trying to come off as a heteronormative man who can't deal with other men being with the woman I love like she is a possession who doesn't have her own right to her desires and life experience.

I feel so strange when I read of other men having more colorful pasts then their significant other, but still being hypocritical enough to suffer so deeply from retroactive jealousy. That is not my case. I have only slept with 2 people, and can't imagine what casual sex, kissing, cuddling is even like.

I refuse to crucify her for behavior that she is not only entitled to, but in no way was ever done to harm me or cause me anguish. We have had different life experiences, and I am aware none of this her is problem to fix or aid me in reassurance.

I recently read both "Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy" and "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" and some of the perspectives of removing my ego and shining a different light on it was very helpful.

It also became apparent to me that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel for me.

With that being said I was happier than I had been in a while, I could see a happier future for myself, I could love her without pangs of being afraid, but I still feared one thing that RetroActiveJealousy.com states can be a deal breaker, and that is common Values not aligning.

After a conversation where she basically said that she did those things, was fine with those things at the time, wanted to see what they were like, and is very stable and good with her decisions. She was coming out of her own hardships and wanting to experiment with being desired, sex without having to have the responsibility of a full time partner, and more or less described it as a passing time that came and went. Her ability to stay so calm, collective, and rational about it made me dive back into my pain.

I just can't understand that concept myself because of my own issues. I can understand it rationally on her end, but it makes me fear our values are different and that will never change. Which brings up the deeper question of why are my values this way. Religion, trauma, etc? Do they really matter now? Do I sacrifice them for a life full of happiness and love? Do I accept that people have different life experiences and in no way should that ever enter fear or holding back from the possible love of your life?

I think I can.

I just don't see me ignoring that as being healthy. Zach from retroactivejealousy.com states that the values thing is the one possible reason to ever consider separating as it will cause harm to both and drag out for too long.

I just really need help working out that last part..

Thanks so much for listening, and for any input.

I realize I have a pretty blessed life. I just don't want to go down this road again. My friends and family don't, I don't, and she doesn't want me to either.