Hello, thank you for those links.

Thank for you the support and understanding.

I am reading through them all right now.

I have reached out to a few therapists today as I believe I have taken this issue as far as I can on my own. I have waited too long to do so and this is indeed the next step. I have to say that is a huge step for me. I am trying my best.

I am skeptical on them making me aware of something I don't know but I am open for both myself and future friendships, family bonds, and girlfriend.

A big trigger I am dealing with today is my girlfriend being her normal sweet loving self and I am feeling withdrawn, not a good partner, and having to fake my happiness to her so she doesn't have to know what a rough time I am having. I feel kind of manic in my behavior where I was flying high with constant love and affection the past week while working on myself and doing a lot of reading and mental exercises, but here I am again struggling.

Not something that is attractive or great for a loving relationship that should have stability.

Again she is a very grounded person who knows what she wants and knows herself. She doesn't need to be worrying about the stakes of her investment in me everyday as she works on her career and daily struggles. She could find plenty of people to value and love her very easily because of this. Not to mention we spend money to travel to see each other regularly, she could be with someone better locally.

Sometimes I am afraid that the best thing for her, is to be without me. It devastates me to think it, but at least she could get out of it sooner and wouldn't waste her time on someone hung up on something very trivial.

I want her to have a happy life, and I feel like I shouldn't of even made such a commitment to someone and been so woefully unprepared to deal with myself

In my heart I think I would probably barely be able to date again until my mid to late 30s if I could fix myself, or maybe not at all. It seems I do better that way. I just can't take this again. I would never willingly drag someone into my life to push them away again.

Also I remember reading about demisexuality a while back, and somewhat thinking that was a label I was looking for my whole life. Even if I did identify that way though, it still would make me question our value / moral compatibility.

It simply comes down to that being a deal breaker or not.

I am also super aware as I approach my 30s that everyone has a past, and that rationally and logically I would be throwing away maybe the best thing that ever happened to me out of fear.

I just don't want to hold on to anyone out of some kind of fear of being alone. I am great at being alone. I just kind of know in my heart, that if I were to remove myself from her life, or let her go, I am not sure I would ever get into a relationship again. It may seem melodramatic but I am very conscious of my own feelings, and not ever wanting to hurt anyone intentionally.

Today I sat down to do some writing, and the images of having to "fake it through day" kept coming up. As a writer and a creative I don't even know what my identity anymore is if I have to hide that part of me.

The fear of losing my sense of self, and experience as a human being to have a normal functioning relationship is foreign to me.

As I mentioned previously, I think if I can look at my partner as her own person with her own experiences leading to where we are today I can deal with it. I just fear that some of the techniques I have been reading about are just bandaids, and keeping partners at arms length and somewhat guarded to me.

I don't really want to be guarded from my partner...

On the flip side I have known a few people who have slightly similar experiences to me, but they would never make me laugh or feel loved like my current partner does.

It's such a hard balance to figure out.

She always wants to be open to talk to me, and already knows what I am working on and going through, but enough is enough on her end.