Thank you very much for your kind replies...they helped me. Two things really stood out for me:

Quote: please remember that you don't have any obligation to love your father. Sure, he's your parent and he gave you life, but all the abuse can't be forgotten.

Quote: It sounds like your family is dealing with how your father was by being in denial.

Thank you, MickeyCheeky, for saying that I am not obligated to love my father. Because, you see, I don't/didn't love him. Dare I say it? I was relieved when he died. I certainly did not wish death or any harm on him. I would not wish that on anyone. But I only stopped feeling frightened of him when he died.

I felt an immense pressure from others in my life to feel bad because I ended contact with him and did not see him again until he was dying. In the end, I decided to treat him as though he were an elderly stranger who was ill. I wished him peace and comfort during his coma and after he died.

But the strange thing with abuse is that it does not simply end when the abuser dies. Some of the feelings and questions, for me anyway, just began after his death. Because you see I will never get a "sorry" or "please forgive me" or "you were only a child, you deserved peace and safety." He's gone. He was buried like a hero and here I remain. Living with the memories and confusion and pain.

Thank you, OpenEyes...your points about my family's denial were astute and well-taken. I don't live in denial, you see. It is very important to me to be authentic and speak my truth when possible. I always encourage others to do the same because I think it's healthier.

With regard to your question...I have several siblings. I am neither the eldest nor the youngest. I am sorry if that is too vague...the confidentiality on PC is a comfort to me. I cannot discuss these issues with my family directly. You folks here have given me more empathy and true solace than my family has in a year!!! Is that sad or a good thing?? I'll choose to deem it good...empathy from strangers is no bad thing! Especially when a person came from a fractured and aggressive family.

Peace to all here. I am sorry for your pain and wish you a very bright future!