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Old 12-14-2018, 08:33 AM
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: NY
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Default Re: Integration

life as an integrated person is like all the holidays and special days of the year combined together along with that moment of clarity, with a pinch of this and a dab of that and dont forget the Salt and Pepper.

in life no matter what and who it is there are always 3 sides of things.... the good, the good, the bad and the middle ground. Recovery from DID is no different in reality but ones perception is a bit off.

example One day I was at a popular beach camping with my family. I left the camp site for a walk and sometime later my wife comes and finds me standing on a pier, puts her arms around me and asks.... are you ok? I, still facing the water said ....yes, see that sparkle out there on the lake? Isn't that the most amazing thing how the sun does that on the water? my wife said Honey, Beth, and Many are with you, thats why you can now enjoy the sparkles on the lake. you have their memories of lake watching. isnt it grand, isnt it lovely. I snuggled in closer with my wife and said "like a child on christmas morning when they see Santa has been there"

We stood on that pier until the sun went down enjoying the fact that while I was fully in the present moment could enjoy this special moment of the sun making sparkles on the water. All the while knowing I was able to do this now because those lake loving alters were now part of my own personality. that everything they were and contained was now me. We ended up buying a cabin not too far from the lake and we go there frequently.

I have had many moments like this where I have been totally captivated by this new way of being... all merged together to form one whole person again, experiencing life and moments, emotions, events like it was the very first time.

not only was I now able to fully experience and appreciate the good but the down side too. one day I was hanging curtains and pictures when I accidentally hit my finger with the hammer. now I had been feeling pain and such for a while now but nothing to this extreme. it totally shocked me right to my core that the feeling of pain could be so intense and scary.

there was a bit of swearing and all those normal reactions and it dodnt subside right away.....of course it didnt, my brain would no longer automatically switch my brain functions to that of the unconscious memories, emotions and all else that had previously been called my alter that handled pain because everything that was unconsciously stored was now consciously stored and accessible. I had everything I needed to handle this situation readily available to my brain functions with out the brain physically doing the "switch over"

like at the lake I was overwhelmed by what I was going through. I ran for the phone and called my treatment provider. I think we spent a good 2 hours on the phone that day discussing emotions and how I had already been experiencing them on a smaller scale and that this was a normal reaction to someone hitting their finger with a hammer while hanging curtains and pictures, that the reason I was going through so many emotions, thoughts and behaviors around this was because I had had many alters that dealt with various kinds of pain, now that everything that they were is now merged together with me, their memories, emotions, behaviors, thoughts are now mine. As I continue to live and experience everything as a whole personality again everything will settle down where I wont be getting so over whelmed. that this is what its like to be normal, be able to fully experience and appreciate my body, mind emotions and events. As time goes on I will find that happy middle ground where I wont be so overwhelmed with emotions, memories.

Being integrated to where all my alters are merged together with my own personality actually takes more time, treatment and shockingly gathers more attention then dissociating did. no one could see and notice when I was dissociated because I had been this way since before I was 5, what people saw of me in those before integration days was just my normal. but let me stand there in total amazement over a water sparkle or hopping around the room in tears, swearing over actually being able to feel every single emotion and physical sensation that comes from accidentally hitting ones own finger with a hammer, everyone close by gathers and 'are you alright? " and other comments. might as well add embarrassment to everything else going on.

where am I at now? do I still get overwhelmed? I am now at a point where I am able to find that happy middle ground between the good and the bad of having alternate personalities not alternate personalities any more but still with me as my own personality. its still a challenge at times but over all I am very happy that I took that psych class so many years ago that required the students to take an in class psych eval, find a therapist and psychiatrist and go through formal tests and enter treatment for one semester. That began this wonderful and challenging journey called integration for me.

I know that integration is not over because Im not dead yet. like stated at the beginning of this thread....human beings naturally do the integration process every day from the moment that they are born to the moment of their death. this has been just one small part of my natural life long integration process. I dont have any regrets or misgivings about the process or having done it or finding out that its not a choice I could make.

I am happy to know that no one has died nor did I get hypnotized them away. they are all here with me just in a different physical and mental way....
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