I spent most of my life in that state, and spend the decade of my 40's in and out of the hospital for suicide attempts and severe suicidality.

. . . and then I decided that gray life, that default to "I want to die," that constant centering on how miserable I was all had to stop. In one year, I lost two friends to suicide and my sister to cancer. The grief of loss was devastating, and not just to me. I watched while the people left behind, no matter how the loss came about, were pained by that permanent separation from the people they had loved. I realized that I could not intentionally do that to the people who I know love me, respect me, and look up to me. I realized there are more of those people out there than I really imagined.

I started looking for the subtle ways I matter to those around me. Of course I matter greatly to my family; that was a given. But I started noticing the smiles on the faces of my students when I greeted them at my classroom door, the "so nice to see you agains" from people who hadn't crossed my path for a few weeks or months, the taggle-wagging joy my dogs go into when I walk in the door after a long day at work, even the relief on a complete stranger's face when take the time to be polite to that retail worker that I'll never see again. I don't know that, beyond my family, I do anything heroic, but I have realized people find me to be kind. They admire my strength, ironically, when they observe me dealing with the challenges in my life. I started giving myself credit for the good person that I basically am. I can be content with being a good person.

I wouldn't say my life is "joyful;" it certainly isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes my life is, in fact, extremely difficult and overwhelming. Most of the time it is pretty routine and mundane (pretty much like most people see their lives I suspect). But I've found some hobbies that keep my soul filled and my hands busy. I developed a few relationships that I know are genuine and comforting.

I'm glad those attempts didn't work. I'm glad I saw my son fall in love and get married. I'm glad I've been here to support two other sons as they have openly come out, one as gay and the other as transgender. I realize I was born to be their mother so they could feel accepted and supported rather than judged and rejected. Had I left any of their lives, the impact would have been devastating, and I never want to be the agent of another person's suffering.